My alternative season 9
by chocmanga
Summary: thats it the season is finally finished, the reviews have been amazing so thanks for them & hey keep em' coming
1. TOW all the baby stuff

Just an idea I had, set at the start of series 9. Every thing's the same except Joey didn't propose to Rachel, R&R much appreciated, the good and the bad ;)

And no before you ask I don't own any of the characters, etc...

TOW All the baby stuff

Scene: Hospital, everyone's looking into the nursery where the babies are sleeping

Rachel: ah just look her, what an angel

Ross: um Rach tilt you head slightly to the left . . . . thats Emma

Rachel: what no, that child is no where near as . . . . Ohhhh wait

Phoebe: yep she looks like Ross, if he were a girl

Rachel: Ross! Your genes having totally taken over

Chandler: hey now come on she's really cute, despite all the 'ross-ness'

Rachel: easy for you to say if your kids are going to look like Monica!

Chandler: you know I'd talk back but we all know its true the less bing they are the better . . . Mon that's your cue to say 'no Chandler bla bla bla you're so cute'

Monica: well . . . . (Chandler stares at her angrily) you know what screw it . . . we Gellar's produce really cute children!

Opening Credits

Scene: Rachel's hospital room

Rachel: Ah this baby thing isn't so bad

Ross: well sweetie that's easy to say when we're in the hospital being waited on hand and foot, I mean once we get home tomorrow its going to be feedings every couple of hours, lack of sleep, less money to spend on ourselves and gosh don't even think about having time for yourself . . . yea I remember when Carol came home with Ben, putting make-up on every day went out the window . . . and Carol's complexion needs make-up

Rachel: (whimper) no Rachel time

Ross: oh well no but now you'll have Ross-Rachel and Emma time . . . won't that be fun, I can see it now . . . yea the three of us sitting on the couch together watching the discovery channel . . . don't look at me like that Ben doesn't like science and I'm not making the same mistake with Emma, nope she's going to be immersed in science from day 1! I even have started looking in to science camp for her

(Monica & Phoebe enter)

Monica: hey guys!

Rachel: oh thank god, will you please tell Ross to stop scaring me! I have just shot something out of an unnaturally wide window and he's going on about how I've lost my life and turning Emma into a nerd, being scared right now isn't the best thing for me

Ross: what I was just trying to get her to think realistically about what it'll be like to have a screaming baby with no nurses to help

Phoebe: or this whole situation could be solved if you were to man up and get a proper paying job and hire a nurse for Rachel because lets be honest Ross Jarassic Park is so 10 years ago!

Monica: listen sweetie we'll all be here to help you

Rachel: oh like we'll do shift work, like you guys could take nights . . . because you knew it takes a village to raise a child (holds Monica and Phoebe's hands)

Phoebe: nope Rachel it's only your life which is going to be ruined for the next eighteen years, not mine!

Scene: Hallway, Joey & Chandler

Joey: wow dude you Ok? You look like you've just given birth

Chandler: well I feel like that. . . if I were a woman . . . uh Monica and I decided to start trying for a family of our own but every time I see her it's like she's a sex addict and I'm a piece of sperm for her to devour . . . and no that's not as much fun as that sounds!

Joey: hold on you guys have been getting on while we're all here?

Chandler: yea bedrooms, closets you name it we've been there and christened it

Joey: wow dude respect for you like doubled right now!

Chandler: yea well there's only so much little Chandler can take! Would you just make sure I'm not left alone with her . . . because my tank's running on empty if you catch my drift

Joey: although I know what you're talking about being a REAL man I've never experienced that

Chandler: Joe hate to burst your bubble but the walls between our bedrooms when I lived with you were paper thin and

Joey: JOEY DOESN'T SUFFER THOSE PROBLEMS!

(Monica enters)

Monica: hey guys . . . (strokes Chandler's shoulder) hey you

Chandler: right back at ya, you know Joey and I were thinking of getting something to eat

Monica: Joey you wouldn't mind if I stole Chandler for like . . . I don't know 20 minutes

Joey: take him!

Chandler: Joe what about our deal!

Joey: once you insulted my manhood the deal went!

Scene: Hospital room, Ross is there & Joey enters

Joey: hey where's Rachel?

Ross: oh she's with the nurse begging her to let her stay here for about a year

Joey: so how are things with you guys?

Ross: I think I know what you're implying, Phoebe was already around probing me for information

Joey: probing? That sounds sexual! Don't go making more babies with Phoebe gosh man keep it in your pants!

Ross: thanks for the advice . . . no I haven't really gotten a chance to talk to Rachel what with the baby and everything but once we get home and we're settled we'll have the discussion

Joey: Ok well you better do something because although I wouldn't do anything to mess up things between you and Rachel she was like the only woman I've ever loved and you better treat her right

Ross: umm thanks I think . . . while that makes me incredibly uncomfortable its nice to see you're so protective of Rachel

Joey: yea well she's Rachel you know so . . . oh my god what's that nurse doing to that lady's breasts over there!

Ross: she's showing her how to breast feed man

Joey: wow its like the greatest movie ever . . . . . .if only that stupid baby would move its head!

End Credits

Scene: Monica & Chandler's apartment, they enter

Monica: so you wanna just head to the bedroom?

Chandler: you know I would love that but I haven't seen the news in days so I'm gonna pass on the bedroom

Monica: (seductive) I'll put on lingerie

Chandler: again great but the news and then I have to do work stuff oh yeah and then I have to sleep and recharge my sperm bank! We could just cuddle instead?

Monica: I'll give you one whole week of me laughing hysterically at all your jokes

Chandler: and full refrigerator privileges!

Monica but you mess up the food order so much . . . . Ok fine!

Chandler: little chandler its game time!


	2. TOW the job interview

I don't own any of these characters, etc..

TOW Job interview

Scene: Monica & Chandler's apartment, Monica & Rachel are looking at Monica's clothes

(Chandler enters)

Chandler: hmmm clothes strewn everywhere . . . you know if you two weren't dressed I'd swear you guys were getting it on and thus all my dreams would be coming through

Monica: keep dreaming baby, no this is for my job interview tomorrow, Rachel's helping pick out an outfit that says 'wow you look very competant' with a little bit of 'wow your hot'

Chandler: job interview?

Monica: I told you about it last week! . . . My boss is looking about hiring an assistant manager at the restaurant and I put my name forward . . . any memory?

Chandler: where were we when you told me?

Monica: in our bedroom

Chandler: honey the bedroom is for sleeping and sexy time, I only pretend to listen to you in there so I can get you to stop yappering to either fall asleep or to do you and then fall asleep

Rachel: you know Mon I probably don't say this enough but you are one lucky lady!

Opening Credits

Scene: Ross & Rachel's apartment

Ross: see that wasn't so hard, now next time when she needs her diaper changed you can do it by yourself without me showing you right?

Rachel: I don't know I may need a couple more demonstrations

Ross: well how many more could you need it's really not that hard!

Rachel: oh I don't know, when do they learn to use the bathroom?

Ross: look now that she's asleep you think we could talk about us?

Rachel: what do you mean?

Ross: well we just had a baby together and usually people who have a baby together at least try and make it work for the sake of the child

Rachel: yes but most people don't have our history

Ross: I know its complicated

Rachel: Ross it's more than complicated we've been married for god sake, look when it comes to us it seems we do things in a screwed up way because I think, and don't quote me on this, most people are together in some form or another before they have a child

Ross: I know its complicated but look I think we should just try now to make things work and then if it doesn't work out it won't affect Emma that much because she won't notice

Rachel: she notices plenty, she helped me choose what clothes to wear today!

Ross: as I've said before Rach gurgling doesn't count as conversation!

Rachel: fine look I'll think about it . . . but I swear to God if you propose to me

Ross: hey I want to take it slow I'm not going to propose when we've barely started anything

Rachel: Ok sure but try telling that to Emily!

Scene: coffee house, everyone's there except Monica & Phoebe, Emma's crying

Chandler: you know at times like these when I look at Emma I wonder why I even would consider having a child

Joey: because you're whipped

(Phoebe enters)

Rachel: hey sweetie you Ok? You look a bit . . . hmmmm how can I be nice about this

Ross: if you can't say anything nice don't saw anything at all

Phoebe: I'm Ok just a little behind on my bills apparently people don't need to get massaged anymore, no they can find their own, inexpensive ways of de-stressing themselves!

Joey: what happened?

Phoebe: I just lost another customer and apparently the bank wants to meet me to 'talk', ugh Ross I blame you for this!

Ross: what did I ever do but give you good financial advice

Phoebe: if you call not hiding all your money under your mattress good advice! You can't trust corporate bankers, that's why I don't pay taxes I don't want to feed the greed!

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Chandler's there & Joey enters

(Joey goes straight for the fridge)

Chandler: do you even see me here or is it only about food for you

Joey: well its past 5 o' clock and I couldn't smell Monica cooking anything from my apartment so I decided to come here and feed myself

Chandler: (sarcastic) damn Monica!

Joey: I know! She knows when I need to be fed! You've got to get her under control man, she\s your responsibility not mine!

(Monica enters)

Joey: its about time woman! now that you're hear I could really go for lasagna

Monica: well sweetie you might have to get someone else to look after your food because I'm way too important and busy for that now

Chandler: so I take it then they gave you the job

Monica: well they have a couple more people to interview but come on it's me and I thrilled them

Chandler: by thrilled them I hope you mean that in a non-sexual way . . . . congratulations honey (they kiss)

Joey: awww what a sweet moment . . . but I'm still hungry here!

Closing Credits

Scene: Ross & Rachel's, Rachel's there with Emma

Rachel: oh sweetie aren't you just so beautiful . . . and smelly, oh god sweetie why now Ross isn't here, you'd be Ok till he comes back right?

(Emma starts crying)

Rachel: oh no sweeite, mommy's here but mommy just got a manicure . . . . (picks up phone) hey Monica you think you could pop by here . . . . just for a chat . . . really I only want to talk . . . . (hangs up) there Emma Aunt Monica is on her way because Green's don't do diaper changing, we'll leave the dirty work to the Gellars, the sooner you learn that honey the better


	3. TOW the bank

I don't own any of these characters, etc.

TOW the bank

Scene: Coffee House, everyones there except Phoebe

Monica: hey sweetie would you get me a double expresso to go . . . I want to be completely alert to start being the best manager ever today

Chandler: you're forgetting the word assistant honey

Monica: what did we talk about earlier!

Chandler: no belittling you 'super cool' job today . . . you know if you want I could slip in some cocaine to your coffee as well . . . . you know for alertness

Rachel: Mon you never start work this early, you sure it was a promotion?

Monica: oh no it is, just check out my salary but I was asked to open up so the food delivery guys could be let in

Joey: well why didn't you say no!

Monica: um well maybe I didn't ask but offered . . . or demanded, don't look at me like that I have the keys to the restaurant . . . I mean I practically own the place . . . I should re-name it Monica's!

Joey: but you have to get up earlier, think about the lack of sleep. . . at what cost Monica is this job worth!

Rachel: Joey shouldn't you have been at work like over an hour ago?

Joey: that's only for make-up, I don't need any you've seen my boyish complexion (everyone's silent) well I'm off to work!

Opening Credits

Scene: Coffee House, everyone but Monica & Joey are there

Ross: you sure you don't have any other receipts or invoices, the bank's going to want everything to do with your finances

Phoebe: well I don't really do 'invoices', I don't want government getting too much on me and asking too many questions . . . again, sneaky bastards!

Rachel: but Phoebe what happens when your massage clients pay you?

Phoebe: well usually I just take the cash from their hands . . . and sometimes from their bags

Ross: you didn't do that to me when you massaged me did you?

Phoebe: (lying) course not

Rachel: stop stealing money from him, we need that for Emma's college fund!

Chandler: or nose job

Ross: alright fine, well if this is everything then we should go we don't want to be late you don't want to annoy the bank anymore than you have to

Phoebe: I thought you said they'd be nice to me!

Ross: or course they will . . . now go get us a cab (Phoebe leaves)

Chandler: you're nervous for her aren't you

Ross: are you kidding me! Banks are hot, all that paperwork and investments . . . and low yield bonds whoa (Ross leaves)

Chandler: you know I heard Ross's voice but saw Monica's face there

Rachel: I hope Emma doesn't have too much Gellar in her

Chandler: for your sake I hope so to

Scene: bank, Ross & Phoebe are there

Receptionist: ah Ms. Buffay Mr. Adams is ready for you now

Phoebe: actually my name isn't Buffay . . . it's Regina Phalange

Ross: Phoebe! Its Buffay her name is Buffay! why did you lie to her?

Phoebe: this place could be bugged! I'm just taking appropriate precautions . . . something you could learn from to avoid mistakes like Emma

Ross: hey you're not going in there unless you behave yourself!

Phoebe: wow you know Ross when you're firm it makes me see you in a whole new sexier light

Banker: hello Ms. Buffay hope your doing well today

Phoebe: hey we are only here to talk finances, please refrain from inquiring about my current condition! . . . this is Mr. Ross Gellar, my lawyer

Ross: Dr. Ross Gellar, I have a doctorate in ummmm

Phoebe: in law!

Banker: right well we wanted to meet you because you have begun to dip more often than usual into your overdraft facility

Phoebe: I thought that the overdraft was your way of giving me free money in exchange for me not black-mailing you

Banker: excuse me?

Phoebe: oh I've got some dirt on you! You don't want to mess with me sucker!

Scene: Monica & Chandler's apartment, Joey & Chandler are there & Ross & Phoebe enters

Chandler: well if it isn't the heroes of Wall Street, so how was the meeting?

Ross: Phoebe threatened the banker!

Phoebe: hey he got what was coming to him

Ross: did you really have to threaten his family though

Phoebe: in my excuse mentioning the family works!

Joey: so what happened?

Phoebe: he 'advised' me to get a smaller apartment or a roommate to help

Ross: to which Phoebe responded by asking the banker to move in . . . and offered some other disgusting stuff

Phoebe: hey you've got to mix it up and play good cop - bad cop

Chandler: what kind of stuff did you offer him?

Phoebe: leave Monica, move in with me and you'll find out soldier

Joey: I don't know Phoebe, you'd have to offer Chandler a lot because Monica does a lot of crazy stuff in that department (Ross glares at him) what does Chandler not tell you about that stuff, I knew I was his favorite

Ending Credits

Scene: Monica & Chandler's apartment, Chandler & Joey are there

Joey: so when's Monica coming home from work?

Chandler: I don't know, she's enjoying this manager thing way too much . . . more than me I think

Joey: so you think we could hang out . . . . you know for old times sake?

Chandler: yea definately and I have beer! . . . well its Monica's but I'm sure she won't mind, in fact me drinking it may help enforce my masculinity to her

(Joey takes off his pants)

Chandler: whoa I thought we were going to have some drinks and watch 'man' TV!

Joey: didn't we used to watch TV together, have beer and not wear pants?

Chandler: NO!

Joey: really because I was sure that's what we used to

Chandler: why have you not put your pants back on!

(Monica enters)

Monica: is this what you get up to when I'm not here?

Chandler: in my defense we were about to do man stuff . . . oh wait that came out wrong . . . anything I can do to prove I'm not gay? . . . OH MY GOD JOEY PUT YOUR PANTS ON

Joey: hey the lady hasn't ask for that . . . hey Mon you want to join the no pants club? (Chandler glares at him) I'm going to go (Joey leaves without his pants, he comes back in) I should take these I don't want the neighborhood watch guy on my case again


	4. TOW the breakin

I don't own these characters yada yada yada

TOW the break-in

Scene: Monica & Chandler's bedroom, its the middle of the night

Monica: Chandler . . . . Chandler . . . WAKE UP!

Chandler: (sleepy) not now, I'm not in the mood I have a headache

Monica: wow sleepy Chandler sure has a low libido, wake up! I think I heard something in the living room

Chandler: its probably Joey . . . he often needs a feeding around this time . . . just go back to sleep (starts snoring)

Monica: fine (yawns) what if he makes a mess! (Chandler throws a pillow on her)

(they go back to sleep & someone wearing a balaclava enters their room, goes over to the bed & tries to take Monica's engagement rings off her hand)

Monica: ahhhhhhhh!

Chandler: what what! . . . . (sees the masked person & runs out of the room)

(Phoebe takes the balaclava off her head)

Phoebe: tut tut tut doesn't even defend his own wife . . . bet you wished you married someone with testicles about now

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's bedroom, Chandler enters

Monica: oh look there's my knight in shining armor, thanks for saving me honey!

Chandler: hey maybe I ran to get a weapon of some sort . . . like an axe

Monica: we own an axe now?

Chandler: I don't know but maybe we should invest in one

Monica: are we not going to find out why Phoebe was at my hands!

Phoebe: what! Ross told me to sell any crap I could find on this ebay thing and I thought who has loads of sellable crap, Monica and Chandler . . . and if said crap is on their fingers well so be it

Chandler: you were trying to steal her engagement ring!

Phoebe: that and I hear you have a jewelry box, any bling for me Bing?

Monica: and you thought coming in here while we were sleeping was the best way to do this!

Phoebe: well duh then I would have avoided this conversation, I'm not new to this burglary thing I'm quite the crafty thief you know

Chandler: how did you get in?

Phoebe: you kidding me, I copied a key to this place years ago for situations just like this . . . don't look at me like that I need the money

Monica: if I give her my ring will you buy me a more expensive one?

Phoebe: oh can you buy me one too so I can sell that one as well?

Scene: Ross & Rachel's apartment

Ross: hey Rach she's hungry again . . . time to take your breasts out

Rachel: you ask me to take 'them' out a lot . . . is it always because she's hungry or do you just want to see the girls?

Ross: little from column A, little from column B . . . so I don't see any lactation

Rachel: yea I think I'm going to stop the breast feeding

Ross: what she needs your milk, lactating for her is the best thing you can do for her

Rachel: I hate it, my breasts are sore and swollen

Ross: I've offered to massage them numerous times

Rachel: and I hate the way you refer to it as lactating, it makes me feel like a cow

Ross: but you are (Rachel glares at him) no like on a farm, the calves that drink their mother's milk the longest produce the biggest and best cuts of meat

Rachel: oh I'm sorry I didn't realize Emma's slaughter date was coming up, come on then get me to the milking machine farmer Ross!

Ross: oh sweetie you know I didn't mean it like that, I only want the best for Emma and you know 'breast is best'

Rachel: where did you ever hear that slogan!

Ross: did you not listen to a word the midwife said!

Rachel: no not really since I was busy 'calving'

Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Joey enters

Joey: hey Pheebs you busy?

Phoebe: no I can call my loan shark later

Joey: actually its about your money stuff . . . I was thinking about it and then I talked to Monica and Chandler

Phoebe: ugh I knew they'd talk, why didn't I finish them when I had the chance

Joey: actually I was thinking about asking you to move in with me?

Phoebe: what! Really?

Joey: yea since Rachel left I've been kind of lonely, I could always use help in paying the bills . . . and walking around the place naked isn't the same if no ones there shouting at me to put my pants back on

Phoebe: I would never tell you that Rachel just doesn't know how to appreciate a thing of beauty

Joey: so is that a yes?

Phoebe: yes yes! . . . wait your apartment isn't built on an ancient Indian burial ground is it?

Joey: I don't know

Phoebe: who cares I'll just send any curses across the hall to those selfish Bings . . . that'll teach them not to mess with me again!

Scene: coffee house, Monica, Chandler & Rachel are there & Ross enters with Carol & Susan

Chandler: Rach I hate to bring this up but I can't help noticing your leaking from your chest

Rachel: oh god! I stopped breast feeding and now they're like engorged with milk and it wont stop producing for a couple of days

Monica: don't worry Rachel its nothing to be embarassed about . . . Chandler could you maybe take your eyes off her chest for a second

Chandler: what I can see the nipple!

Rachel: and you know I found Ross with the breast pump last night outside my room, I think he was going to pump my milk while I slept!

(Ross, Carol & Susan enter)

Ross: Rach look who I brought for you, Carol offered to give you some advice

Chandler: about the best route for becoming a lesbian

Ross: no about breast feeding!

Rachel: Ross would you just give this up! You have no breasts and therefore no opinion

Monica: I think its a good idea, you know my mom breast fed Ross for over two years and look how that turned out

Chandler: it kind of explains a lot

Ross: only a wonderful and natural bond between a mother and son! . . . look Rachel I just thought maybe you'd listen to someone who's been through it before

Carol: Rachel I am a big advocate of breast feeding and I know it's sore but thats where you can get your partner to massage you to ease the pain

Susan: I could give some tips to Ross

Chandler: so you guys massage each other . . . around the chest area

Monica: you need a moment outside?

Chandler: I'd much rather stay here!

Susan: yea some body lotion rubbed around the breast always helped Carol

Chandler: oh good lord!

Rachel: wow! Look you guys I really appreciate this but I don't have a partner

Ross: I'll step up to the plate and massage you . . . only because you need it

Rachel: while that's a sweet offer I'm going to pass, Emma will live on artificial milk and I won't leak anymore because I have to say the smell of breast milk isn't easy to get off your clothes!

Ross: fine! God it's times like these I wish I could produce milk

Chandler: yea man you were definitely breast fed for too long

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Phoebe's apartment, everyones there packing boxes

Joey: wow Phoebe this is a lot of stuff, you sure you need everything?

Phoebe: I thought you said you wanted me to be completely at home at OUR apartment

Joey: yea but how'd you need all this stuff to feel at home? All I need is my fridge and a mattress

(Chandler enters from Phoebe's bedroom)

Chandler: here are the boxes from your bedroom, (whispers) hey Mon you won't believe all the sex toys I found in her room and I stole us some stuff

Monica: ew you don't know where that stuff has been!

Chandler: don't worry I only got the unopened stuff! You want to head home and try it out?

Monica: hell yeah! . . . I love that our friend is a sex fiend!


	5. TOW the lotion

I don't own these characters . . .

TOW the lotion

Scene: coffee house, everyones there & Ross enters

Ross: hey Rach so I booked that restaurant for us tomorrow at 8

Monica: oh is this your 'first' date?

Rachel: yea we decided that after having a baby it made sense to start dating now

Chandler: so hold on, your time together in the delivery didn't count as a date

Rachel: well then hopefully for this date I won't be all sweaty and tired and shooting a baby out my vagina

Ross: oh you will be when I'm finished with you! . . . well everything but the baby and the vagina part

Phoebe: I love it when Ross tries to be sexy, its so endearing

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Joey's apartment, Chandler & Joey are there, there's boxes everywhere

Chandler: how can one person own so much?

Joey: I know and its all really weird stuff, like in one box was her massage equipment . . . lets just say I would never want to be massaged by her , some of the stuff I didn't know on what part of the body it would be used but it looked painful and not in a nice, sexy way

Chandler: (looking in a box) I think I may have found that box . . . look at all this stuff, oh a warming and cooling lotion!

Joey: hey you know that kind of sounds nice, I might try some

Chandler: yea I suppose a bit couldn't hurt . . . where do you want to massage it on?

Joey: well since we're both men we should probably avoid any gay areas

Chandler: sooooooooo that leaves the arms?

Joey: could you rub it on the back of my arm I want a nice even layer

Chandler: only if you rub it on mine (they start massaging each others arms)

Chandler & Joey: OH YEAH!

Chandler: you felt it start cooling as well?

Joey: and now its back to warming, oh this is heaven

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: I always suspected Chandler but Joey you really surprised me!

Chandler: what! No we were not . . . . not doing what you think we were doing, anything going on in here was completely heterosexual

Joey: hetero what! Dude stop telling her we're gay!

Phoebe: it's okay your secret's safe with me . . . maybe some day I'll join in, though I'd have to be way more drunk then I am right now for Chandler, Joey I'm always up for you

Chandler: I hate to ruin this moment but Phoebe is this stuff supposed to burn?

Phoebe: which bottle did you use?

Chandler: the one labelled 'warming and cooling'

Phoebe: oh crap! That was like my own concoction with loads of weird homeopathic stuff

Joey: if I get high after the burning I'm okay with that

Phoebe: no I'm pretty sure that won't happen

Chandler: so what will? Because I have grown slightly attached to my arm over these past 30 years!

Phoebe: always a drama queen aren't you!

Joey: whoa wait now I need my arm for my career, I'm a brain surgeon for pites sake!

Phoebe: well look the last guy I used it on had a slight reaction, nothing major

Chandler: so what do we need like an anti-histamine or something?

Phoebe: lets discuss that on the way to the hospital . . . and if, when we're there, you don't tell them it's my stuff that'd be great because it's not 100% legal here just yet

Scene: street, Ross & Rachel are walking

Ross: oh man we are so late, why did you have to spend so long getting ready!

Rachel: hey this is my first night to be out with people my own age not smelling of baby vomit and damnit I'm going to do so in style

Ross: well it took me an age to get reservations for this place and I heard they don't like it when patrons are late

Rachel: thats why you slip them a 50 to ease any tensions

Ross: a 50! I'm not made of money, the food alone for this place is expensive enough!

Rachel: way to make me feel like a princess honey

(they enter)

Ross: hi table for two under Gellar

Maitre De: I'm sorry sir you're over thirty minutes late, we had to give that table up

Rachel: what! Look here my husband is a doctor alright! And he treats all the important people in New York . . . like the health inspector! So if you don't want any trouble

Ross: Rachel! We'll just be leaving (he drags her out)

Scene: emergency room, Chandler, Joey & Phoebe are there

Chandler: oh my god the pain is actually getting worse!

Phoebe: you girl!, hey since we're in a hospital maybe you could get a testicle transplant

Doctor: Mr. Bing and Mr. Tribbiani please . . . so what seems to be the problem

Chandler: we got this weird lotion on our arms and it really stings

Doctor: hmmm it looks like it was lathered in, listen I don't judge new age couples or their odd sex lives but I'm going to need to know all the details here

Joey: just two straight guys rubbing lotion into their arms after a long stressful day, nothing gay about that!

Phoebe: look does it really matter what happened or who put what into the lotion just treat em' and street em' right doc!

Scene: street, Ross & Rachel

Rachel: what about this restaurant?

Ross: no! did you not see the expose on unhygienic restaurants!

Rachel: ugh you are such a girl! There's something wrong with every restaurant and it's getting late, I just want to go home

Ross: no this is OUR date, this is important! Hold on look I have an idea just hold tight

Rachel: fine! Why did I even shave my legs for tonight because it's not like you'll be seeing them

Scene: Monica's restaurant, Ross & Rachel enter, there's candles everywhere

Ross: thanks Monica for this, I know it was short notice

Monica: are you kidding me I love being able to use my authority to do things!

Ross: you would have made a great dictator

Monica: I KNOW!

Rachel: right so where's the menu, lets get this dinner rolling because we are starving

Monica: hm well when you come in here when it's actually open I might let you choose but tonight it what I have plated out for you. . . oh and by the way you owe me big time for this, I'll be in the kitchen and while I want you guys to have a wonderful and romantic time bla bla bla I'm tired so if we could wrap this up quickly

Rachel: sweetie you know Ross takes a long time to flirt (Ross glares at her) which is something I find really cute

Ross: hey Mon these plates are kind of cold

Monica: (she punches Ross) any criticisms will not be well accepted so be forewarned

Scene: restaurant, Ross & Rachel

Rachel: I know I was whining earlier but you really pulled this off Gellar

Ross: I kind of did didn't I (they kiss)

Monica: FINALLY! Right you've eaten, you scored her now can you please get out!

Rachel: ok, ok we're going

Monica: thank you! And Ross seriously could you have taken any longer to get into her mouth

Ross: hey at least I didn't do a Chandler and get her drunk and then take advantage

Rachel: well at least I could have been in bed already if that was the case (Ross glares at her) thanks for a lovely evening sweetums!

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Monica enters

Monica: Chandler what are you still doing up it's so late . . . what the hell is that smell?

Chandler: Joey was rubbing lotion on me and

Monica: why is that the second time I've heard you say that sentence!

Chandler: no it was some weird lotion of Phoebe's that causes intense pain and itchiness . . . and yes smells slightly like death, look save the ridicule I've been at the hospital and could use a hand to rub in this cream the doctor gave me

Monica: sure sweetie come here . . . oh god that smell!

Chandler: (holds up his wedding ring) 'to love you in sickness and in health'

Monica: alright alright I can hold my nose (she tries to hug him) yeah actually no I can't I never signed up for this! And just for the record you can't always use that marriage thing against me!

Chandler: then what good is it!


	6. TOW Ross's big night

I don't own these characters

TOW the Ross's big night

Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel & Joey are there, Phoebe enters

Phoebe: honey I'm home

Rachel: if that's addressed to Joey he's kind of busy at the minute

Joey: peak a boo Emma!

Phoebe: how long has he been playing?

Rachel: I'm not sure but it may be the first time the baby gets sick of this game before the adult . . . or well before the Joey. . . Joey I need to put Emma down for nap

Joey: oh you can take her I won anyways, take that baby Green-Gellar! . . . hey Phoebe wanna play?

Phoebe: ok but be prepared to lose this time, Emma's taught me some tips!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: coffee house, the guys are there

Joey: hey dude I was thinking I don't mind babysitting Emma if you and Rachel want to get jiggy with it

Chandler: is that what the kids are calling it these days

Ross: that's a nice offer Joe but I don't think we'll be needing it . . . we're doing fine

Chandler: oh my god they haven't done it . . . I mean gotten jiggy together yet!

Joey: dude what are you waiting for Rachel's hot, it's man issues isn't it!

Ross: what no! Its just we're both a little bit nervous because the last time we 'jiggied' we conceived Emma and that was despite taking all the necessary precautions

Joey: so why don't you just double bag

Chandler: please don't tell me you're talking about using two condoms

Joey: course I am, a second one is an extra layer for your little swimmers to deal with and if they're anything like you they'll give up quickly

Ross: um Joey using two condoms at the same time actually decreases their effectiveness

Joey: this coming from the guy who used them and still had a baby, Ross I've slept with most of New York and look no baby!

Chandler: have you ever 'double bagged'?

Joey: no but it makes sense, two is better than one why else would God have given women two breasts. . . or the way men have two

Chandler: please stop talking!

Ross: look I have to go to work anyway, ugh if only there was like a super condom that completely took away any chance of having a baby

Chandler: oh there is it's called abstinence my man!

Ross: something you got to practice a lot of in college if I remember correctly!

Chandler: hey I'm married now I can get daily and nightly and ever so rightly (Ross storms out)

Joey: welcome to the stud club Chandler!

Chandler: hardly, Monica's been working so much at her stupid new job I'm lucky if I get it rightly let alone daily and nightly

Joey: hm I'd be able to care more if I wasn't so hungry. . . lunch?

Scene: Ross & Rachel's apartment, Ross enters & Rachel's lighting candles

Rachel: what are you doing here!

Ross: I got off work early

Rachel: well can't you come back when I'm done creating a super seductive and romantic environment

Ross: it certainly smells . . . well it smells like an artificial summer in here

Rachel: yea I went a bit nuts with the f_abreeze_ trying to get rid of the baby smell . . . and they always say those fumes are bad so I breathed them in big time to decrease my fertility because clearly it needed to be lowered!

Ross: Rach you don't need to do this, Emma's asleep and we're both here so I say we go for it now before we get interrupted (they kiss) join me in the bedroom

Rachel: I don't know I'm feeling kind of woozy after those fumes

Ross: please! Little Ross is kind of up for it and I don't know if he'll ever come back if you disappoint him

Rachel: alright I'm coming as long as you don't call your penis little Ross again!

Scene: Monica's restaurant, Joey & Chandler enter

Chandler: I can't believe I let you drag me here, she's going to kill us you do realize that!

Joey: yea but she won't murder us here in front of everybody she'll wait till we're at home and then we'll die on full stomachs!

Monica: hey guys what are you doing here

Chandler: it was Joey's idea!

Monica: what was Joey's idea?

Joey: well we figured (Chandler pokes him) I figured that you being a big shot manager person you'd be able to get us a nice table with an even nicer discount or free meal

Monica: guys you can't put me on the spot like this!

Chandler: so then you can't do it then! You sure you even got a promotion?

Monica: oh I can do it! Here you get these two a table

Chandler: so demanding, I'm kind of turned on right now

Joey: (reading the menu) um Mon is there any normal food on this thing?

Monica: you mean like pizza

Joey: oh yeah that would be lovely, I'll take one with extra cheese, pepparoni, meatballs and I see you serve duck, well could I get that on the pizza as well

Monica: anything else!

Joey: oh just put all the meat you have on it, I mean it's not like I'm paying for it

Monica: you are so lucky there's people around right now!

Scene: Ross's bedroom, Rachel enters

Rachel: well I got Emma back to sleep

Ross: so you ready to give this another go?

Rachel: is there a point I mean we really weren't getting anywhere before she starting crying

Ross: hey sometimes great things are worth waiting for! And you know it wouldn't kill you to actually help me get things moving

Rachel: oh I'm sorry I didn't realize this was all about you!

Ross: we're arguing again . . .

Rachel: you think subconsciously we don't want to do this because it could mean another Emma?

Ross: but little Ross is definitely up for it!

Rachel: what did I say about that!

Scene: restaurant kitchen, Chandler enters

Chandler: hey you have a minute?

Monica: we're kind of swamped back here (Chandler grabs her & pulls her into a corridor) what are you doing, I have to work! (he starts kissing her)

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: hey come on you can take a break for a bit

Monica: you think I'm in the mood for that after the way you acted today, bringing Joey here, demanding a table and free meals and don't think I didn't see Joey feeling up one of my waitresses!

Chandler: hey I didn't want to come here it was Joey's idea

Monica: do you have any idea how it makes me look when my husband comes in and starts demanding VIP treatment!

Chandler: oh well maybe it's because said husband is lonely and wanted to see his wife!

Monica: and what's that supposed to mean!

Chandler: you practically live here now, we never hang out together anymore and by the time you come home every night you're too tired to even talk let alone do anything else

Monica: typical man! You're annoyed because you're not getting any

Chandler: that and because I miss spending time with my wife! I miss talking to you, I miss falling asleep with you and it's American Idol season and I miss making fun of the crappy singers with you!

Monica: I have to get back to work

Chandler: no Monica we need to talk about this!

Monica: oh I think you've made yourself perfectly clear! You know not everyone hates their jobs

Chandler: its just a job!

Monica: so what do you want me to do, quit and become a devoted wife, only living to make sure my master is happy

Chandler: that would be nice

Monica: I have to get back to work

Chandler: we need to talk! You leave right now Monica don't bother coming home tonight!

Monica: you are arguing with the wrong person Bing! (she leaves & Joey enters)

Joey: hey dude you think Monica would give me seconds because that chocolate cake desert was amazing

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Ross's bedroom

Ross: that was fantastic, we overcame our fears, we conquered our emotions, we are becoming more mature, we

Rachel: we had sex Ross!

Ross: yea we did . . . . you don't feel pregnant do you?

Rachel: well you are annoying me and that was one of the first things I noticed when I was pregnant with Emma

Ross: nothing you can say will annoy me because I finally got some! Ah it's been too long

Rachel: maybe it won't be such a long wait for next time if you didn't sound so pathetic

Ross: say what you want but I am a certified stud again . . . I gotta call Joey!


	7. TOW all the turkey & tension

I don't own these characters etc...

TOW all the turkey and tension

Scene: Joey's apartment, Chandler enters

Chandler: hey happy thanksgiving, I wasn't expecting you up so early

Joey: yea I can't sleep Phoebe's been with some guy all night and it's really loud! I am a big supporter of sex but come on a man has to sleep! what are you doing over here?

Chandler: hey you always come over to our place at odd hours, I'm just returning the favor

Joey: so things still not good between you and Monica?

Chandler: I don't think so, she was up early getting stuff ready for dinner and was doing an excessive amount of pot banging so I took that as my cue to leave . . . ugh why did I ever get with someone so stubborn

Joey: I thought you said the stubbornness kind of attracted you to her

Chandler: it did when the stubbornness didn't cause fights, now she's just plain annoying

Joey: welcome to my world!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Rachel & Ross enter

Rachel: hey happy thanksgiving!

Monica: whatever!

Rachel: still haven't fixed things with Chandler?

Monica: no so he's been practically living at Joey's

Rachel: you know its the day of forgiveness so you guys should patch it up

Monica: it's the day of giving thanks!

Ross: well do that and be thankful you have each other, like today I'm so thankful for Rachel and Emma (he kisses her & leaves)

Rachel: (mimics) today I'm thankful for Rachel bla bla bla

Monica: whoa I didn't know you were feeling crappy today as well, what's up?

Rachel: I don't know its just he's kind of annoying me at the moment

Monica: welcome to my world

Scene: Monica & Chandler's everyone's there

Joey: hey Mon when will dinner be ready?

Monica: the turkey only needs another couple of minutes, why are you hungry? Bet you can't wait to get another free meal off me!

Chandler: Mon we agreed we'd lessen the arguing for today for everybody's sake

Monica: I agreed to nothing!

Chandler: yet another instance of you claiming one thing while knowing you are clearly in the wrong

Monica: when have I been wrong recently!

Chandler: 'I'm Monica I'm never wrong . . . and I don't dye my hair to cover greys!'

Rachel: (whispering to Phoebe) I knew it!

Monica: you've crossed over a line Chandler! You really want to air dirty laundry because we both know I've got loads on you1

Phoebe: people arguing, now this is the reason I love thanksgiving!

Ross: guys please calm down and

Phoebe: Ross stop they're going to tell all those really juicy secrets!

Ross: No! Look we know you're going through a tough time but this is not the way to handle it

Chandler: should we really be listening to someone who's gone through 3 divorces

Ross: I was only trying to help! You know what fine, tear each other to pieces

Phoebe: Wohoo!

Ross: clearly you guys don't share a love like Rachel and I's

Monica: oh so what we should break up, get drunk and marred in Vegas, get that annulled and then get drunk several years later and conceive a child? You know your relationship seems reliant on alcohol

Rachel: well you and Chandler wouldn't have ever even gotten together if it weren't for your drunken, desperate ass

Ross: and I didn't say to do it in that exact order but look how far we've come, we're finally happy, we're a family and one day we'll get married and expand our love filled family

Rachel: I'm sorry but isn't it courtesy for the woman to have a say in having more children and getting married

Ross: course you have a say sweetie but that is where we're heading . . . you think so too right?

Rachel: I don't know Ross, we've only just got back together and (realizes everyones listening to their conversation) can we not have this conversation in private?

Chandler: no you got to hear some of our crap so it's only fair we hear yours!

Rachel: how is that fair! I'm not some attention craving mad woman like your wife and don't get me started on you

Monica: hey you insult my man you insult me!

Phoebe: weren't you listening? she did insult you she called you a . . . what was it?

Rachel: attention craving mad woman, and I meant every word of it!

Monica: sure you weren't looking in the mirror when you said that!

Rachel: what does that even mean?

Chandler: honey I think that made no sense

Monica: don't whine about it just back me up Chandler!

Joey: guys I hate to break this up but there's smoke coming out of the oven

Monica: oh god the turkey!

Joey: not the turkey! (Monica takes it out of the oven & its burnt) why is it always the good ones that go!

Chandler: it's ok man, you can have some of my chicken

Monica: actually no he can't . . . because I never made you any

Chandler: what! The one thing I ever ask you to do for me on thanksgiving

Monica: I'm sorry, I was still really angry at you and thought you were kind of over that whole childhood trauma thing and could eat turkey . . . but it was mostly the anger thing . . . love you

Chandler: 'I love you' just isn't going to cut this one Monica

Ross: 'I love you' will cut it with me Rach!

Rachel: Ross please not now!

Phoebe: anybody love me?

Chandler: look I think it's pretty obvious thanksgiving is over so can everybody just leave

Rachel: that's probably not a bad idea

Joey: what about the food! (Ross & Rachel start getting ready to leave) does nobody care that I haven't eaten in over two hours knowing I was going to stuff myself silly with this dinner! 

Monica: No! Nobodys leaving, its thanksgiving and we still have all the vegetables, its only turkey . . . we can all be vegetarians for the day

Phoebe: no vegetarianism is MY thing!

Ross: I thought you did it because eating animals is wrong not because it's a 'thing'!

Phoebe: nah its a really cool thing to have . . . and tends to show up people who don't cook any vegetarian food (glares at Monica)

Monica: hey I always give you an option!

Phoebe: hm today for dinner I have brussel sprouts and carrots and last year I had . . . brussel sprouts and carrots! And now because of your screw up I have to share my brussel sprouts and my carrots with you guys

Joey: ow the hunger pains!

Chandler: its been two hours!

Joey: actually more like one, I stole some of the desert Monica was storing in my fridge but still my metabolism is so big!

Chandler: well I'm glad to see your using my 'word of the day' calendar

Monica: look this is thanksgiving and even though we mightn't want to be together we have to!

Chandler: did you read that inspirational message off a hallmark card

Monica: I'm going to continue ignoring you, get some food together and have dinner with my friends

Ross: I'm downgrading you to acquaintances after everything that's been said

Joey: acquaint what? (whisper) Chandler where's that calendar?

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, everyone sitting down to dinner

Monica: okay so we have some left over lasagne I found in the freezer, now I'm not sure how long its been in there but its probably safe, there's some pancakes, we've got all the vegetables

Ross: why's there marmalade out?

Monica: because I just raided the fridge and put anything edible out! And other pearls of wisdom to share with us Dr. Gellar!

Joey: right are you done woman because this looks amazing and its time for me to dig in!

Rachel: Joey you do realize you're mixing pancakes with lasagne and yes now he's throwing marmalade over it all

Joey: are you kidding, this is like a dream come true for me!

Scene Monica & Chandler's, everyone there sprawled out on the couches

Joey: can I just say I think you out did yourself Monica, with all that arguing I didn't think I'd be eating at all today!

Monica: you were usually cranky and hungry today

Joey: well I didn't sleep very well last night (glares at Phoebe)

Phoebe: I get the hint Tribbiani I'll invest in a better quality gag for my man friends

Joey: thank you Phoebe! You know you couples could learn from us, see how we solved our problems

Ross: not all of life's problems could be solved with a mouth gag!

Chandler: that's not what my parents believe

Joey: so Monica, Chandler can you guys kiss and make up?

Monica: no time I have to go wash the dishes I can almost feel the food embedding into my precious cutlery

Joey: woman I married you and its my mission to keep you two together!

Chandler: let her go Joe, cleaning for her . . . its like sex to a man, once you want to do it you won't stop till you get the job done

Phoebe: tell me about it!

Chandler: all this talk about mouth gags and your obvious sex addiction, Phoebe you've never been more attractive!

Phoebe: join the queue Bing but be prepared to wait awhile I have a lot of admirers

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, its night time, Joey & Phoebe are in the kitchen

Phoebe: we probably shouldn't be here since the light's still on in their bedroom

Joey: well then the sooner we find the lasagne-pancake leftovers the sooner we can leave!

Phoebe: you think they're arguing or having make up sex?

Joey: usually when they have make-up sex the clothes are removed in a hurry before they enter the bedroom and afterwards Monica comes back out to clear up the clothes, I know all about their sex life

Phoebe: well there's only one way to find out (she enters the bedroom & then runs out) you obviously don't know everything! abort the plan abort the plan! (she leaves)

Joey: (outside the bedroom) sorry Monica, I know you've probably gotten your hands full right now but where are the left overs from dinner? (the door slams shut) some people are so rude!


	8. TOW the hug

I don't own these characters

TOW the hug

Scene: coffee house, everyones there but Monica & Ross enters

Chandler: why so glum bro, did you find out the dinosaurs died?

Ross: I know you're joking but it was 65 million years ago and it still hurts!

Joey: it's still funny too

Ross: no Carol called me, Ben's having a talk in school about (whispers) S-E-X

Chandler: oh my god Ross said the S word!

Ross: it's funny you're jokes aren't as good but you are getting more annoying

Chandler: something I excel at when it comes to the Gellars

Rachel: so Ross what's the big deal?

Ross: the big deal! This is the sex talk, its going to be so awkward I remember getting the talk off my dad and how bad it was and now I have to give the talk!

Joey: Ross it's ok I get it

Ross: oh really because you have to give the talk to your ten year old son!

Joey: no it's because you're worried you won't have much to say to him, just send him to Uncle Joey and I'll explain everything, I'll even tell him some of my secret tips for snagging a lady

Chandler: you know I never got the talk from my parents, I just walked in on them doing things to the pool boy and had to fill in the blanks myself

Phoebe: I bet your house was really educational!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Chandler's there

Chandler: (looks his watch) ok she's going to be home any minute so I'm just going to tell her how I feel! . . . I'm going to be a man! . . . (Phoebe enters) I am Chandler the man of this house!

Phoebe: wow so firm!

Chandler: hey there Phoebe . . . didn't see you come there . . . right now when I was practising for a play I'm doing

Phoebe: oh whats it called?

Chandler: 'my wife doesn't love me anymore'

Phoebe: wow that sounds kind of depressing unless it's a musical because they're always fun

Chandler: Monica should be home soon and we've been avoiding the whole subject of her new job and tonight I'm going to force the issue

Phoebe: well you certainly sound forceful but you don't look it . . . you look all Chandler and he's not a strong person

Chandler: hey!

Phoebe: do you have to have the talk tonight because if you hit the gym for awhile, build up your upper body and then fight Monica until she submits to your will

Chandler: I'd rather stay away from domestic abuse and within the law but it's good to see you're thinking

Scene: Joey's apartment, Ross & Ben enter

Ben: hey Uncle Joey

Ross: why don't you go watch TV and daddy and Uncle will have a quick talk (Ben leaves) you have to help me!

Joey: why

Ross: Ben had his sex-ed class today and now he's asking me about girls and kissing them

Joey: oh well that's easy the trick is to not be slobbery with your tongue as you gently massage theirs

Ross: and he asked me about Carol and Susan because his class only went into the 'love' between a man and a woman

Joey: what that is horrible! A boy has the right to learn about lesbians, hey I have some informative videos for him in that case

Ross: you're talking about girl on girl porn aren't you

Ben: hey Uncle Joey what kind of show is this? What's that man doing to that lady?

Ross: turn off the TV Ben, turn off the TV! . . . Why the hell do you have an adult channel!

Joey: why the hell not!

Scene: Monica & Chandler, Chandler & Phoebe are there

Chandler: you know I think the adrenaline's wearing off

Phoebe: does she always come home this late?

Chandler: pretty much

Phoebe: god I feel for you and to think I almost thought of having a thing with her

(Monica enters)

Monica: oh hey Phoebe didn't think you'd be here this late

Phoebe: well someone has to look after your man if you won't satisfy him

Monica: what!

Phoebe: you heard me

Chandler: you said to threaten her not lie!

Phoebe: really I thought I said lie . . . oh well you're on you own Bing (she leaves)

Monica: what was that about?

Chandler: hey don't be angry at Phoebe she was just keeping me company while you were away serving hungry New Yorkers and me, your husband here alone!

Monica: oh please don't tell me you want to argue about my job again!

Chandler: maybe I do . . . no maybes I'm the man of this house and I want to talk about your stupid job! . . . please

Scene: Ross & Rachel's, Ross & Ben are there

Ross: so what have we learned tonight?

Ben: when a man and a woman or a woman and a woman are in love they hug in a very special way

Ross: exactly!

Ben: can two men hug?

Ross: one thing at time!

Ben: so you and Aunt Rachel were in love and hugged and then made Emma?

Ross: . . . sort of

Ben: how come when my mommies hug they don't make a baby? (Rachel enters)

Ross: oh look Rachel's here guess we'll have to finish this conversation another time Ben

Rachel: so what are you guys up to tonight?

Ben: daddy was telling me about the time when you and daddy hugged and made Emma

Rachel: he was! Well that was quite a hug

Ross: hey Ben why don't you go get ready for bed (Ben leaves)

Rachel: hugging Ross really

Ross: what I was going to use the biological terms but it just felt so weird saying the word 'penis' to my son

Rachel: it felt weird, gosh well that didn't stop you and my gynecologist having many a conversation about my vagina when I was pregnant

Ross: hey I was looking out for you!

Rachel: you know what no hug tonight for you!

Scene: Monica & Chandler's

Monica: seriously Chandler what do you want me to do, give up my job completely?

Chandler: god no we need the money, if that was the case I'd have to work harder and we are not going down that road! I just feel like your job means more to you than this marriage does

Monica: Chandler I love my job and I'm sorry you hate yours

Chandler: and . . .

Monica: yes alright I love you more than my job but I don't get why me working a bit more hurts you so much, business guys do it all the time to their wives

Chandler: yes and they get divorced loads of times too but they have the money to pay for eight divorces I don't . . . and I really want us to work for the long run, I don't want to end this

Monica: but if I keep working?

Chandler: it's going to make this worse that's for sure . . Mon you're the most important thing in my life, despite what Joey says, and I hate sharing you with the restaurant, do you really like never getting to see each other anymore

Monica: of course I miss you but I have days off and I have a lot of vacation days saved up!

Chandler: that's not good enough for me!

Monica: I guess if it's really affecting you so much I'll have to talk to my boss and about delegating my responsibilities and working less

Chandler: really you'd do that for me?

Monica: course, I mightn't say it often but I've grown attached to you and you're kind of the most important thing in my life (they kiss) though I suppose if I kept working I might be able to pay for a few divorces

Chandler: when it's used against you sarcasm is really annoying!

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Joey's apartment, Ross enters, Joey & Ben are there

Ross: hey Ben did we have fun at Uncle Joey's! Joey thanks for watching Ben for me

Joey: no Ross thank you, he taught me so much

Ross: about what!

Joey: about love man, real love not sex but hugging and how wonderful that can be

Ross: ok?

Joey: Ben thank you! You have opened my eyes and taught me a new way of living

Ross: what the hell did you talk about with my son!

Joey: that stays between me and Ben . . . and I shall it share with every woman I 'hug'


	9. TOW Monica's arm

TOW Monica's arm

Scene: coffee house, everyones there

Monica: hey Chandler I was thinking we should go get the Christmas tree today, you free?

Chandler: no I have to . . . I have to . . . . no I can't even be bothered to make up an excuse I just really don't want to go

Monica: why not! We always pick out the tree together, its a very important tradition for us

Chandler: actually if memory serves me right you pick out the tree and if I even try and give any input into the tree decision I get promptly put down, all you really use me for is to help carry it home

Monica: what no its a team decision

Rachel: well when we lived together it definitely was a 'Monica' only decision, in fact one year you got so annoyed at me you told me to leave

Chandler: haha that happened to me to last year, though I'm guessing with you she didn't bring sexual inadequacies into the conversation

Monica: well then fine Chandler will you come so you and your big manly muscles can help me lug MY tree home?

Chandler: good try but still no deal baby!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: toy shop, Ross, Rachel & Phoebe are there

Rachel: oh this is so exciting toy shopping for Emma's first Christmas . . . for my first Christmas my dad got me this beautiful rocking horse and it had a saddle

Phoebe: I thought your dad got you an actual horse?

Rachel: not for my first Christmas! . . . no I got my first pony at like my third or fourth

Phoebe: yea or like when your parents would save all their food stamps throughout the year and then give you loads of food stamps, oh I love Christmas presents!

Ross: (carrying dinosaur teddys) look what I found!

Rachel: no I'm putting my foot down here Ross her room is already filled with dino crap! She's a girl for God's sake she needs girly stuff like dolls

Ross: but if we get more dinosaurs and she doesn't become the paleontologist prodigy I force her to be then we can have a boy and give all this stuff to him

Rachel: we're having a boy now!

Ross: I'll need another boy because Ben's not exactly interested in science and the world needs more dashing paleontologists

Phoebe: we should get her tarot cards and a crystal ball!

Ross: no she doesn't need that crap!

Phoebe: you didn't let me finish, a dinosaur themed crystal ball

Ross: oh my God they have those! Where!

Rachel: no crystal balls, only dolls!

Phoebe: (whisper) don't worry Ross I already put it my bag, five finger discount baby!

Scene: street, Monica & Joey

Joey: finally you've picked one, can we go now!

Monica: yes, thanks again for coming, no one else offered and I knew I could buy your love easiest

Joey: hey I don't mind as long as I get my reward cooked tonight

Monica: we'll see Joe (holding the tree) right you good there?

Joey: yep lets get this chunk of wood home

Monica: oh this is so much more than a chunk of wood, I really out did myself this year, the branching symmetry is out of this world and . . . Joey . . . stop looking at that woman!

Joey: did you see how short that skirt was!

Monica: yea and it's freezing out here, how much more inefficient could your clothes be!

Joey: oh man she's checking me out, I gotta go over

Monica: no Joey we have to get this tree home!

Joey: then you can just hold it alone, I'm not like Chandler I'll have her number in less than a minute

Monica: while that is unfortunately true still I want to go home and cook your reward!

Joey: ugh I hate when you make me choose between food and women . . . fine we'll go, you're lucky I have a bottomless pit for a stomach (sees the woman drop something and bend over) screw this! (he runs over to the woman)

Monica: JOEY! (the trees too heavy and she ends up slipping on the icey path)

Scene: coffee house, Chandler's there & Rachel, Ross & Phoebe enter

Chandler: hey how was Christmas shopping?

Rachel: Ross clearly is unhappy with Emma's gender, he got all this dino crap for her!

Ross: and Rachel got all this girly doll stuff, so this way she can choose and we'll know if being an intellectual superior is in her future

Chandler: guys she's a baby she's going to go for whatever's the most colourful and easiest to chew

Ross: yes! Then this is a win for me, my daughter a paleontologist oh we can go on digs together

Rachel: seriously when was the last time you went on a 'dig'!

Ross: well I offered to bring you but you declined

Rachel: if I remember correctly I was like seven months pregnant at the time and had seriously compromised bladder control

Ross: that's hardly an excuse!

Scene: hospital room, Monica's there & Joey enters

Joey: hey how you feeling?

Monica: how would you feel if you dislocated your shoulder!

Joey: I don't know but it sounds disgusting

Monica: when's Chandler getting here?

Joey: oh yea that . . . he said he was busy

Monica: what! I know we'e going through some stuff right now but I'm his wife and they haven't given me my MORPHINE yet! Ugh where's that nurse!

Joey: actually I haven't rang him yet . . . I was waiting to tell you when you were all doped up on drugs but you're scaring me right now so I had to get it off my chest

Monica: what call him now!

Joey: no I'll tell him later, see this was kind of my fault

Monica: it was all your fault!

Joey: hey in my defense I thought you were strong enough to hold the stupid thing

Monica: Joey I want Chandler now! CALL HIM

Joey: (runs out) nurse nurse, she really needs some drugs!

Nurse: don't worry honey I'll get her some pain relief now, soon this will all be a blur to her

Joey: you mean she won't remember anything, like say how she broke her arm?

Nurse: some people have a complete black out but don't worry she'll be fine

Joey: awesome! Make sure and give her loads she needs all the help she can get!

Scene: coffe house, everyone but Joey & Monica are there

Phoebe: I just got this weird text message from Joey . . . he says to bring him a meatball sub he's at the hospital

Rachel: the hospital! Why is he there?

Phoebe: something about Monica breaking her arm and the hospital's cafe being shut down

Chandler: what! Oh my god!

Phoebe: no it's ok I read it wrong, the hospital's cafe is only closed don't worry Chandler it's not closed forever

Chandler: oh god I have to get down there (he runs out)

Phoebe: ops he also says for me not to tell Chandler . . . oh well whats done is done, hey Chandler left his muffin anybody want it?

Ross: I think I better head to the hospital too

Rachel: yea just in case (they get ready to leave & beckon Phoebe)

Phoebe: fine I'll come but I'm taking his muffin! . . . . And I'm not paying for a taxi! Stupid Monica ruining my day

Scene: hospital, everyone enters

Chandler: Joey where's Monica is she ok!

Joey: Chandler what are you doing here!

Phoebe: my bad my phone screwed me over and I sort of told him, (screaming her phone) this is why I don't trust robots!

Chandler: who cares, look where is she? Is she ok?

Joey: she's in with the doctor, she dislocated her shoulder and they were about to start 're-locating' it when I left because the nurse said it's a pretty horrible experience for all involved

Ross: so you left her alone!

Joey: she was better off without me and they said she'd be so full of pain killers she'd hardly feel a thing (they hear Monica screaming) well no they said she might feel it a little, tiny bit

Scene: Monica's hospital room, everyones enters

Chandler: oh Monica you're ok! . . . You are ok aren't you?

Monica: I am now that I see you

Doctor: it was an awkward break so we had to up her pain medication dose several times so I'd ignore anything she says for the next few hours

Monica: hey doctor don't leave, get those hands around me again

Doctor: like I said ignore everything! (he leaves)

Ross: how you feeling Mon?

Monica: I feel amazing like I could do anything (looks at Chandler) or anyone rarar

Chandler: how about you stay in bed

Monica: oh look its snowing outside . . . 

Phoebe: is she trying to form a sentence

Monica: soooooooooooooooo

Chandler: beautiful yea Mon we get it

Monica: um lets go outside and make snow angels, just you and me and everybody rolling in the snow

Rachel: she's really out of it

Monica: oh I'm hungry lets get food . . . like double stuffed oreos, or doughnuts, or (starts mumbling and drooling)

Ross: and has a worse attention span than Emma

Monica: oh and I had the most wonderful dream where I was riding on a mushroom . . .

Rachel: I think it's worse than Emma's . . . maybe even worse than Joey's!

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel enters

Rachel: what are you guys doing?

Phoebe: playing poker with these dinosaur themed cards, Ross is losing so much money

Ross: Alright Phoebe show me what you got!

Phoebe: three ceratosaurs! You?

Ross: (staring the cards) why guys are you failing me! I make it my mission to keep your memory alive!


	10. TOW Rachel's doubts

Nope still don't own these characters

TOW Rachel's doubts

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, everyone but Rachel's there & Ross enters

Phoebe: happy Christmas day eve Ross!

Ross: you mean happy Christmas eve?

Phoebe: no because it's the eve of Christmas day so I am right and more original than all others

Ross: what's that smell?

Monica: I was trying to cook earlier but my sling makes things slightly more difficult and I got black bean sauce over my cast which by the way is the first thing to ever overcome my cleaning prowess!

Chandler: and that's why Joey's practically sitting on my wife

Joey: hey I can't help it this smell is unbelievable!

Phoebe: are you really turned on?

Joey: well I could use a cold shower (everyone's disgusted) hey don't look at me like that, It's like watching porn and eating a meatball sub

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's

Ross: what would you guys think would be the greatest Christmas present for Rachel?

Monica: anything that's expensive and shiny . . . same goes for me Chandler

Ross: well would this engagement ring suffice!

Everyone: oh my god!

Ross: it's nana's engagement ring, Mom gave it to me in the hospital when Emma was born but I didn't think it was the right time but now I'm sure

Chandler: were you also sure at your other three proposals!

Monica: it's so beautiful, ugh Chandler why didn't your grandparents have an engagement ring for me!

Chandler: oh they did but my dad wouldn't part with it because it went perfectly with his favorite dress

Phoebe: Ross you sure this isn't too soon?

Ross: no way, we're getting along so well with Emma and everything

Chandler: yes because it was when I realized that Monica and I were 'getting on' well together I decided to propose . . . not because we loved each other or something cliched like that!

Ross: we do love each other, and for your information none of my proposals went no where near as bad as yours went

Chandler: (points at himself) no divorce (points Ross) three divorces

Joey: you know I've never heard you guys say you love each other

Ross: it's an unspoken love . . . but I know how I feel and how she feels

Phoebe: yesterday you fought for like an hour over who's turn it was to change Emma's diaper

Ross: what she never does it!

Monica: sweetie I know we're annoying you but we're only looking out for you because well lets face it you kind of rush into these things

Ross: Carol and I knew each other for ages before I proposed!

Monica: and Emily . . .

Ross: you know I hope one day I can throw the names of your ex-husbands back in your face!

Scene: coffee house, Joey's there & Rachel enters

Rachel: hey Joey have you seen Monica?

Joey: no why?

Rachel: I just really need to talk to her

Joey: hey you can talk to me, and even if it's boring I'll act like I'm really interested . . . I do it all the time, especially with Ross and he never notices

Rachel: well it's actually about him . . . I think he's going to propose to me

Joey: WHAT! No way Ross is definitely not going to do that

Rachel: I don't know, he's been acting really strange recently commenting on how much I mean to him and he was feeling my fingers really weird the other day like he was measuring them or something

Joey: but this is Ross, do you really associate him with marriage

Rachel: what about Emily and Carol and me for crying out loud!

Joey: that's only three women I mean Chandler's practically gone through that many wives! anyway if he were to propose would that really be so bad?

Rachel: I just don't think I'm there yet, we've only just had Emma and now we're living together, it's like we skipped over all the romance in a relationship and have become an old boring married couple like Monica and Chandler! I really don't want to have to confront him, any advice Joe . . . Joey? . . . Joey!

Joey: what oh sorry I dozed off bet you thought I was listening though

Rachel: you know you are lucky you are so good looking! (she storms out)

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Chandler's sitting on the couch & Monica come's over

Monica: hey you (she starts kissing him)

Chandler: did your painkillers make you extra horny or something?

Monica: I'm just so bored and the doctor says I can't go back to work for two weeks and I can't think of anything else to do around here

Chandler: wow what a good speech to seduce me with, no 'you're really sexy', 'I want you so bad', 'you're a walking stud'

Monica: are those lines from a porn movie you watched? Besides you were the one complaining we don't spend enough time together and now here I am . . . waiting for you Mr. Bing (she starts kissing him) Mr. Studler Bing

Chandler: what can I say you know the words to my heart (they run into the bedroom)

Scene: Joey's apartment, Ross enters & Phoebe's there

Ross: hey is Joey here?

Phoebe: no why you want to ask him about guy stuff? Ask me I'm very knowledgable about all matters

Ross: well I was originally looking for Chandler to discuss my proposal idea since he's been through it before but their door was locked and since they don't lock it when they have sex in the living room I don't even know what they do in there when it is locked!

Phoebe: so what's your plan?

Ross: right well it's Christmas day tomorrow and it's Emma's first so I was thinking that when Emma's opening her gifts I'll propose to Rachel under the Christmas tree

Phoebe: thats it? god you would think you of all people would be good at this

Ross: it'll be so romantic with the Christmas lights and our daughter being there

Phoebe: oh why don't you feed Emma the ring and then Rachel will find it when she's cleaning her diaper, now thats a surprise and it would be easy because that kid eats anything!

Ross: while that's a lovely idea I think I'll pass and anyway it wouldn't work because she never changes her diaper

Scene: Monica & Chandler's bedroom

Chandler: I am so sorry

Monica: you know the pain's no where like before you really think you dislocated it?

Chandler: now I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure I can't let my arm hang like that and those moves I was just pulling on you were a little out there

Monica: hm the pain is beginning to get worse but the doctor did say I'd be at a higher risk for my arm to be dislocated after it happened but I've heard of people just popping it back into place themselves

Chandler: yes well I like your arm and don't want to pull it off so we're going to go to the hospital

Monica: no it's Christmas eve it'll be crazy, look I'm down to 1 usable arm so I can't, you'll have to do it

Chandler: no!

Monica: do it or I'll think you don't love me anymore

Chandler: no we are not using 'love' in this argument!

Monica: re-locate my shoulder damnit!

Chandler: no I'm going to put my clothes back on, get you dressed and get you to a hospital!

Monica: you are such a whimp I'll just do it myself . . . . ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Scene: hallway, Ross & Phoebe are there & hear Monica screaming

Ross: those two are disgusting people!

Phoebe: wow never thought they'd be into S&M, wouldn't you like to be a fly on their wall

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey's there & Phoebe enters

Phoebe: oh finally someone not boring, I've just had to spend my evening with Ross!

Joey: I had to spend mine with Rachel and she does not shut up

Phoebe: neither does Ross, god their married life is going to be loud

Joey: I don't know about that

Phoebe: why not? What do you know Tribbiani!

Joey: nothing, well something but it's a secret and Rachel said she'd get me a meatball sub if I kept it quiet

Phoebe: tell me or I shall torture you in the most ironic way I can fathom . . . like I'll keep feeding you meatball subs till you die!

Joey: what a death that would be!

Phoebe: okay well if I tell a really juicy secret will you tell me yours?

Joey: that depends

Phoebe: Monica and Chandler are into S&M

Joey: wow mine's just that Rachel doesn't want to marry Ross but this totally beats mine! . . . so tell me was there food involved?


	11. TOW Rachel's too polite

I don't own these characters

TOW Rachel's too polite

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Rachel & Ross enter, everyone's there

Chandler: hey merry Christmas

Ross: oh it's a very merry Christmas!

Rachel: Ross please be calm

Ross: ok sweetie, I'll let you tell them

Monica: tell us what?

Rachel: well this morning while Emma was opening her presents

Ross: WE'RE ENGAGED!

Rachel: hey you said I could tell them!

Ross: I'm sorry I couldn't hold it in any longer . . . it's just something about proposing and weddings, it's like crack to me

Monica: oh my god, so let's see the ring

Ross: (shaking with excitement) show them the ring Rach! Show them this wonderful ring!

Chandler: are you sure you aren't actually on crack!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, everyone's there

Monica: this is just so incredible! So tell us everything, we want all the details!

Phoebe: Monica you don't speak for all of us! Some of us want only the minimum amount of detail

Rachel: well I had Emma on my lap and he kind of just did it

Ross: Rach please you make it sound so simple, there was a lot of thought put into this one, see I was up early this morning and

Phoebe: oh so beautiful! I just have to go over here now, (talking to Chandler & Joey) hey I'm just going to pretend to be listening to you guys for a bit . . . what are you doing?

Joey: setting up our xbox!

Chandler: hey it's my Christmas present from Monica!

Monica: actually I kind of meant it for the both of you . . . because well lets face it it's time we start recognizing your special relationship

Joey: yea she's right, I'm number one in your life and she's number two

Monica: I think though when I give him a private Christmas present tonight I'll be bumped up to number one

Joey: damnit I can't use sex to buy Chandler! . . . unless you want me to?

Chandler: stop talking!

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Rachel & Monica are in the kitchen

Monica: so Rach you must be on cloud nine

Rachel: I guess so

Monica: wow please don't try and sound more enthusiastic!

Rachel: you're using sarcasm a lot more these days, maybe you should spend less time with Chandler

Monica: sorry it's just you don't seem that excited, are you just overwhelmed with your love for Ross?

Rachel: that must be it

Monica: Rachel honey I'm only ever going to ask you this once but you do want to marry Ross right?

Rachel: yes of course . . . it's Ross and I'm almost 100% sure I want to marry him

Monica: almost 100%?

Rachel: yea those are really good odds

Monica: what's really going on?

Rachel: alright but you have to promise you won't tell anyone it's just right now where I am in my life I'm not sure it includes getting hitched

Monica: then why did you say yes!

Rachel: he asked and it seemed like the polite thing to do at the time

Monica: I think if you have doubts the polite thing to do is to be truthful with him

Rachel: ugh what do you know you almost got with Richard when you thought Chandler didn't want to get married!

Chandler: did someone just say Richard! Monica what is the rule about that

Monica: no one should utter his name in this house

Chandler: damn straight!

Phoebe: oh and here I was thinking that Monica was the one who ran this marriage, hello Mr. Bing!

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Joey & Chandler are playing the xbox

Chandler: excellent teamwork my man!

Phoebe: oh you guys have been playing this all day, you must be almost finished now

Chandler: not exactly

Joey: level two here we come!

Phoebe: I never got what the appeal was with these games

Joey: hello you just go around shooting bad guys

Phoebe: with a gun!

Joey: try a rocket launcher, you want to play?

Phoebe: I don't know the police said I'm never to use a firearm again after last time

Chandler: now I'd have to check the law on this one but I think imaginary guns on a video game can be used by those with a criminal record

Phoebe: records actually (they start her) so how do I play this bad boy!

Monica: hey Ross can I speak to you on the balcony alone

Ross: hey today it's the future Mr. Green . . . actually Ross is good

Scene: balcony, Monica & Ross are there

Monica: right so first off I'm just so happy for you and Rachel

Ross: I know I finally snagged her! She's mine forever

Monica: ok but are you totally sure you're not rushing things, I mean you've only just gotten back together and there's a child involved, I just think emotions might be running high and maybe you're not thinking clearly

Ross: hey when it comes to marriage my mind is as clear as day!

Monica: were you thinking that the last time you proposed?

Ross: look I know you're only trying to protect me but this time I'm sure this is the right step for us and I know it's going to work out, I love her so much and we have Emma it just makes sense to me and obviously for her because otherwise she wouldn't have said yes

Monica: obviously, I mean its not like she's just being polite or something

Ross: oh it's so sweet to see you care for me so much (they hug) I've thought this through, I mean if I was less than 100% sure I wouldn't have even asked her

Monica: and those are such great odds!

(Rachel enters)

Rachel: well if it isn't my future sister-in-law, what are you guys talking about

Monica: nothing!

Rachel: really!

Monica: I was just congratulating Ross on finally stepping up to the plate

Ross: she was just checking that I know what I'm doing, I suppose after my history with marriages she's sort of right

Rachel: (glaring Monica) oh isn't she just such an amazing sister!

Ross: I gotta go ring my parents, or should I say your future mommy and daddy in-laws (he kisses her & leaves)

Rachel: so what were you really up to out here?

Monica: being an amazing sister like you said, look Rachel he's never been so happy and I don't want either of you getting hurt but I stand by what I said earlier, if you're not sure then you have to tell him

Rachel: no I have the ring, look I've loved him once and I can do so again, the weddings not going to be for ages so I'm sure by then things will be peachy between us

Monica: I hope for all our sakes you're right, oh and before I forget and I'm saying this to you as Ross's sister, if you hurt him I'll kick your ass!

(Chandler enters)

Chandler: Mon there's some warning light coming on on the oven

Monica: and you didn't think to handle it yourself?

Chandler: handling things myself is definitely not my role in this marriage

Monica: what good are you to me! (she runs out)

Rachel: remember when you were marrying Monica and Ross gave you his 'older brother' talk

Chandler: when he said he'd kick my ass if i screwed up? (they both start laughing) ah still funny

Rachel: I think I got the same one off Monica

Chandler: (stops laughing) yea unlike Ross I'd heed her warning because she's kind of crazy and has a mean left hook!

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Phoebe, Chandler & Joey are there

Chandler: come on Pheebs you almost finished the level!

Joey: zombie to your left! No right! No left!

Phoebe: which one is it Tirbbiani!

Joey: left . . . no right . . .

Chandler: LEFT PHOEBE! . . . (to Joey) can you still not tell left from right?

Joey: its on my to do list

Phoebe: die! Die! Die!

(Monica enters)

Monica: guys seriously its 2am, can you please stop playing!

Chandler: but we're so close

Monica: maybe I should have made myself clearer, if you continue to play I'll sleep with Joey!

Chandler: you wouldn't dare!

Phoebe: he's mine!

Joey: yeah baby

Monica: and Joey I'll never cook a meal for you again!

Joey: you're bluffing Gellar-Bing!

Monica: try me!

Joey: (runs & turns off the xbox) sorry guys I can't risk it, food is too precious!


	12. TOW the notsosecret secret

Nope don't own these characters

TOW the not-so-secret secret

Scene: coffee house, everyone there & Joey enters

Joey: oh finally Chandler I found you!

Chandler: hey I know we're in love but I told you to never come near me with I'm with the missus, she doesn't know about us yet

Joey: (sad) oh hey Mon don't you have somewhere you have to be? Anywhere away from Chandler, I'm just sick and tired of you hogging him, he's my man too!

Rachel: Joey did you hit your head or something?

Joey: no I'm just sick of her! So sick that I may or may not have done something stupid to her precious car!

Monica: what happened to my porche!

Joey: well your just going to have to find out (she runs out) finally she left (everyone is staring at him) its ok the porche is fine, that was just a desertion

Ross: you mean a diversion?

Joey: yea a desertion! God you Gellars!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: coffee house, everyone's there

Chandler: so Joe you have me to myself, have your way with me!

Joey: has Monica talked to you about anything important recently?

Chandler: well that depends we have different meanings on what things in life are important, like for me its jokes followed by her and I guess you guys and for her it's obviously me

Ross: are you before or after cleaning

Chandler: I'd guess after

Joey: right well I have some amazing news . . . we finally did it man, we're pregnant!

Chandler: that's funny I don't remember sleeping with you?

Joey: no us, you, me and Monica

Rachel: Monica's pregnant!

Chandler: how do you know and I don't . . . is the baby yours!

Joey: no last night I managed to finish off all the lasagne Monica made for me

Phoebe: wasn't that supposed to last a couple of days

Joey: she misunderestimated my hunger!

Chandler: Ross ignore the grammatical error he just made and let him continue!

Joey: so today I had to spend a long time in your bathroom and in my hurry to get to the toilet I knocked over the bin and I found a pregnancy test in there and it was positive!

Phoebe: oh I've been here before, how do we know it's Monica's (they all look at Rachel)

Rachel: (points Emma) hey I am not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice! And Besides Joey how would you know what a positive pregnancy test looks like!

Joey: hey I've slept with a lot of women and sometimes there's been some scares and I've seen enough negative tests to know what a positive one looks like

Chandler: well then why did you lie about the car and get Monica to leave?

Joey: what I didn't want her to tell you, I want to be the one

Rachel: she's the mother of the child, she has a right to tell the father

Phoebe: unless it's not Chandler's

Chandler: what!

Phoebe: oh I hope its not Richard's because that moustache on a baby would be UGLY!

Joey: look I may never have kids and I always thought that when you sperminated Monica it would be the three of us . . . like three men and a baby!

Ross: except for the fact that Monica's a woman

Joey: I dunno she's probably more masculine then Chandler

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, everyone enters & Chandler's there

Rachel: hey daddy have you talked to Monica yet?

Chandler: I tried but she was going on and on about the car and I couldn't get a word in edgeways and now she's gone shopping or something, I just don't get why she didn't tell me

Phoebe: because she wants to tell the father first duh!

Rachel: Phoebe stop you're scaring him, listen sweetie she probably was going to do it tonight when you were alone together or maybe she wanted to confirm it with the doctor because those tests aren't 100% accurate

Chandler: you really think its not because she's having second thoughts about my ability as a father

Phoebe: I'm sure you have enough second thoughts about that for the both of you!

Rachel: I've been in her shoes and you just want to share this news with the father but unfortunately Joey's wrecked the surprise

Joey: hey I practically live here so it's just as much my baby as it is his!

Ross: you know when she does tell you you should probably act surprised and if we see her we'll act completely normal because she can be crazy when it comes to these things (Monica enters)

Everyone: hey its Monica!

Monica: wow it's like a meeting of the Justice League of America

Joey: you read my comic books?

Monica: no Chandler reads them to me and sometimes I can't fake the listening and some information was bound to get through, well I kind of need to talk to Joey alone!

Chandler: I'm going to go pick up some pizza for dinner

Ross: I think I'll help

Rachel: oh me too

Phoebe: I want to see what she has to talk about (Monica glares at her) fine it doesn't matter Joey will tell me later (they all leave)

Monica: hey Joe were you in our bathroom today?

Joey: no!

Monica: so it wasn't you that kicked over the bin and didn't put all the rubbish back in it

Joey: maybe

Monica: and what did we find!

Joey: a stick with your pee on it

Monica: so you know I'm pregnant! (he nods) you didn't tell anyone did you?

Joey: no I didn't, really I'm not lying!

Monica: see I think I know whats going on here, you're mad at me because you're worried the baby is going to affect things between you and Chandler, sweetie that's never going to happen because this baby will need its Uncle Joey

Joey: really?

Monica: course, if its a boy we can't expect Chandler to talk to him about girls and if its a girl we'll need you to scare off boys, can you just please promise me you won't tell Chandler

Joey: um ok

Monica: that doesn't sound very sincere

Joey: alright hold on, take two take two, Monica I will not tell Chandler you are with child

Monica: great because I just can't wait to tell him, to see the look on his face, though I should probably lock the door so he can't leave because honestly I'm not sure how he'll react

Joey: so you really want to tell him?

Monica: can't wait! Phew you are so lucky because I really thought you told him and I was going to kill you and the way my hormones are at the moment I probably would have killed you

Scene: hallway, everyone's there & Joey runs up to Chandler

Joey: there you are! God damnit why'd you have to go so far for pizza, I've been waiting out here for like an age

Rachel: Ross wouldn't let us go to the one nearby because it has a unhygienic reputation

Ross: hey if you want E-coli so much then you can go there!

Joey: right Chandler Monica is going to tell you tonight and you have to act surprised because she said she'd kill me if she found out I told you and that woman follows through on her threats

(Monica comes out)

Monica: what are ye all doing out here?

Joey: NOTHING!

Monica: oh they know!

Ross: no we don't! . . . I mean know what!

Monica: Joey you lied to me!

Joey: fine I wanted to be the one to tell Chandler!

Monica: Chandler you're still here, you haven't run away

Phoebe: give him a minute to process it, then he'll run

Chandler: I'm not running anywhere, I'm so happy for us, we did it! (they kiss) it is mine isn't it?

Monica: of course it is, I just really wanted to be the one to tell you

Joey: well thats what take two's are for . . . ok action, Chandler Monica has something she'd like to tell you

Monica: you did it baby! You fertilized me good!

Everyone: oh my god, what a surprise, we had no idea

Chandler: we're going to be a family! (they hug & Joey hugs them as well)

Joey: yes we are!

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Joey's there

Joey: so did she finally stop vomiting?

Chandler: yea ugh I thought morning sickness was only in the morning, it has such a misleading name, and you, daddy number two, were no help at all!

Joey: hey I'm going to be here to hold the baby but you have to handle holding Monica's hair while she gets sick, delivery room stuff, oh the costs because babies aren't cheap, the disciplining, the

Chandler: what the hell have I gotten myself into!

Joey: oh and Monica put me in charge of keeping you calm throughout the pregnancy, so you can try to run but I've locked that door and hidden the key

Chandler: (goes over & opens the door) I think you missed something

Joey: oh I must have forgotten because I'm still thinking about that pizza I just ate

Chandler: glad to have you on board man!


	13. TOW the freak out

I don't own these characters

TOW the freak out

Scene: coffee house, Ross, Rachel & Phoebe are there

Rachel: hey Phoebe thanks again for watching Emma for Ross and me

Ross: Rach can you drink your coffee any slower! Come on I just want to get to your dad's already

Phoebe: so you nervous about telling him your engaged?

Rachel: well I'm not nervous but then my dad likes me, him and Ross not so much love there

Ross: it probably has something to do with the fact that we had Emma out of wedlock

Phoebe: oh you should lead with that!

Ross: hey I'm righting that wrong now, Emma will soon be part of a conventional family unit

Rachel: yea and my dad's pretty traditional so that's important to him

Phoebe: does he know about Ben's mommies?

Ross: no actually that has never come up

Phoebe: thats ok it's just nice to know I have some leverage against you should I ever need it

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Monica & Chandler are there

Chandler: so ready to go to the doctors?

Monica: yea sorry I'm taking so long but deciding on what outfit I want to meet our baby in was hard

Chandler: its just a sonogram right! We won't actually be meeting it today because I'm really going to need these couple of months to get my head around this fatherhood thing

Monica: you do realize when you say stuff like that I get a little worried we're going to have a repeat of your wedding day antics

Chandler: I'm not going anywhere

Monica: that's what you said before!

Chandler: well I mean it this time

Monica: that's what you said before!

Chandler: oh come here, I love you, I love both of you, and there's no way I'm letting you go through this alone (he goes to kiss her & backs off) well I'm going to let you go right now but only this once

Monica: morning sickness breath?

Chandler: the worst yet . . . ugh where's Joey I told him to be here by now

Monica: listen I love Joey but isn't the sonogram something for the parents to do alone

Chandler: he asked me to come and I couldn't turn him down, when he uses those puppy dog eyes of his who can

Monica: how come my puppy dog eyes never work on you!

Chandler: because when you try to do puppy eyes they're more like a wolves, just big and beady and kind of scary

Monica: baby is if you can hear this right now this is what daddy thinks of mommy!

Chandler: hey this kid has it's whole life to hate me so don't foster the hate when it's still a foetus

Scene: Rachel's dad's house

Rachel: hi daddy!

Dr. Green: Rachel sweetheart its so nice to see you . . . Ross, I mean Dr. Gellar!

Rachel: daddy!

Dr. Green: what this punk has the nerve to call himself a doctor!

Ross: hey I studied just as hard as you! (Rachel pokes him) I mean hi Dr. Green

Dr. Green: so how's little Emma doing?

Rachel: oh so well, she's sitting up on her own and

Dr. Green: so the lack of a stable family isn't affecting her development then

Rachel: not yet anyway

Ross: actually Dr. Green that's why we're here to right that wrong . . . take it away Rach

Rachel: no I think that's your job Dr. Gellar

Dr. Green: does he make you call him that!

Ross: No! Look Dr. Green the reason we're here is to tell you some great news

Dr. Green: you're not pregnant again are you Rachel!

Ross: no she's not! . . . you're not right?

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: nope no more babies for the moment but it's a possibility in the future because Rachel and I are engaged!

Dr. Green: I'm going to need a drink!

Ross: can I get one too?

Scene: Joey's apartment, Phoebe's there minding Emma

Phoebe: I knew you wouldn't get the better of me because if I can handle triplets I can handle the spawn of Ross

(Emma starts crying)

Phoebe: oh you want to test me alright I've been waiting my whole life for this! Let's see is your diaper dirty . . . nope . . . you hungry . . . nope . . . . then why are you crying! This just proves my point that Ross should have been castrated a long time ago!

Scene: waiting room of doctor's office, Monica, Chandler & Joey are there

Monica: you holding up ok?

Joey: I'm a little hungry actually

Monica: not you, Chandler!

Chandler: yea I'm ok, I mean its the size of a peanut, that's nothing to be worried about I eat peanuts all the time but . . . but sometimes I choke on them, maybe a peanut is something to be scared of!

Monica: please don't refer to our child as a peanut

Joey: so how does this work?

Monica: well there's an ultrasound and an image of the baby will be on a screen

Joey: no like how do they get the picture? Like do they put a camera up your . . . you know, because if that's the case I'm not sure I want to be here

Monica: you disgust me you know that

Joey: (whispers to Chandler) so how does it work?

Chandler: (hyperventilating) I don't know! It's just another thing I can add to my list of stuff I know nothing about, right after being a father

Monica: please don't tell me you're freaking out

Chandler: I may be slightly freaking out but I'm still here and am not leaving you! Nope we'll be freaking out together

Monica: I'm not freaking out!

Chandler: (hyperventilating) well then you get to sit next to me while I do . . . isn't this fun

Monica: you're squeezing my hand really hard! Chandler you're hurting me

Joey: well maybe that's not a bad thing, get used of pain because according to Rachel labour is really crappy

Monica: (starts hyperventilating) oh great so I get to go through that hell and be a single mom!

Joey: oh how sweet now you're freaking out together

Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel & Ross enter, Emma's still crying

Phoebe: oh thank god, take her away from me!

Rachel: what's wrong with her?

Phoebe: I don't know I checked everything, she's just a little bitch

Ross: whoa Phoebe it's just a baby, no need to use that language

Phoebe: yea well then you try being alone with her for four hours, I'm charging you my highest babysitting rate for this!

Rachel: I thought this was a favor you were doing for us

Phoebe: it was until I met the real Emma, now no more favors for her!

Rachel: I'm going to bring her home

Ross: I'll be there in a bit (Rachel leaves)

Phoebe: so how did Rachel's dad take the news?

Ross: he was a little startled but was glad Emma was going to get some stability in her life

Phoebe: an unstable family does not explain her conduct today! You think my life was stable and I turned out way better than she has

Ross: yea next time we need a babysitter we mightn't call you . . . no offense

Phoebe: oh offense taken!

Scene: doctors office, Monica, Joey & Chandler are there

Joey: hey Mon nice gown

Monica: not really in a talkative mood now Joe!

Doctor: ok Mrs. Bing this ultrasound gel is going to be a little cold on your stomach

Joey: wow that looks kind of nice, can you eat it?

Doctor: and there is baby Bing

Monica: oh my god that's our baby! . . . you're still with me yes?

Chandler: is that it! I am so out of here . . . nah I'm kidding, that's our baby in there I'm never letting it outside my sight, I love you so much (they kiss)

Joey: that's it, you dragged me here for that tiny speck!

Chandler: it's so amazing, we're really good at this baby making thing Mon

Monica: yea we are!

Joey: hey doctor you didn't answer my question earlier, is that gel edible? And if so where can I get my hands on it?

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: coffee house, Rachel & Phoebe are there

Rachel: hey Pheebs will you watch Emma for a second I just have to go to the bathroom (she leaves)

Phoebe: (to Emma) so we meet again baby Green-Gellar! . . . . don't look at me like that!

(Ross enters)

Ross: hey Emma

Phoebe: take her away from me! . . . those eyes man . . . those eyes, so judgmental, they just pierce into your soul! (she runs out)


	14. TOW Joey's new friend

I don't own these characters

TOW Joey's new friend

Scene: coffee house, everyone's there looking at the sonogram pictures

Rachel: wow you guys I could not be more happy for you

Chandler: I know, like I always sucked at making stuff, especially as kid with playdo!

Phoebe: obviously all that practice paid off!

Ross: so how far along are you?

Monica: the doctor thought about 8 weeks

Chandler: hm 8 weeks ago where did we have sex?

Monica: why?

Chandler: well then we could name it after the place it was conceived

Monica: oh yea cool (they both starts thinking & then start laughing) you remember don't you?

Chandler: say hello to Porche Bing everybody

Rachel: ew you did it in your car!

Monica: well it could have been there, I mean we have sex a lot so it'd be hard to pin point it

Ross: I'm so telling dad you had sex in his car!

Phoebe: hehe so Monica can you handle a stick!

Monica: I don't know you'd have to ask Chandler

Ross: you are in so much trouble young lady!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Rachel & Ross enter

Monica: oh hey I was thinking you might need to borrow this (hands her the wedding book)

Chandler: why borrow? I mean you're not planning any other weddings are you

Monica: well not right now anyway

Rachel: oh thanks but I think I'm going to just enjoy being engaged for the moment

Ross: Rachel this wedding is going to be fantastic and we should probably start planning now because I have some very cool ideas for this one

Monica: Rachel although it pains me to agree with Ross he's right, I mean weddings don't just plan themselves, hell I was organizing stuff for mine the same night I got engaged

Chandler: yep while I was professing my undying love for her she was off booking the plaza

Monica: well it wasn't going to book itself now was it!

Ross: yes well unlike you two this wedding is going to be a team effort, it'll be organized by both me and Rachel

Monica: Rachel you don't need him messing things up, all I needed Chandler for was to pay for it because the credit cards are in his name

Chandler: well you needed me to turn up

Monica: which you almost didn't do!

Chandler: well played Bing, well played!

Scene: Joey's apartment, Chandler enters

Chandler: hey man what are you up to tonight?

Joey: I'm going to a Knicks game with this guy, Larry, from work

Chandler: I thought that was something we do together!

Joey: not always, we sometimes bring Ross

Chandler: I only include Ross when I feel you're going to be too much effort to mind by myself

Joey: well I mean you can come if you really want to but Larry's an actor like me

Chandler: so?

Joey: well we're actors so we're both good looking and earn a lot of money, you have nothing in common with us

Chandler: fine don't bring me! But I bet he won't pay for the nachos and the foam fingers I always get you!

Joey: don't we usually get Ross to pay for that stuff?

Chandler: oh yea so there is another reason we bring him

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Rachel & Monica are there

Rachel: stop it!

Monica: what, I'm not doing anything

Rachel: you're judging me!

Monica: well it's my house so I can judge whom ever I want! (Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: whoa there's a bad aura in here

Monica: if you're talking about the smell, that's not from here it's from Joey's

Phoebe: no not that, that smell's been here so long I'm able to block it out no there's like loads of tension here

Rachel: there's no tension here, we were just chatting

Monica: yep just two friends talking . . . about this girl from my work

Phoebe: oh anything juicy?

Monica: well she's just gotten engaged to her boyfriend but I think she doesn't really want to get married to him

Phoebe: well duh women never actually want to get married when a guy proposes we just want the pretty ring

Monica: I wanted to say yes to Chandler

Phoebe: sure you did!

Rachel: but Phoebe don't you think that eventually the girl's doubts will fade and she'll want to marry this guy

Phoebe: yea probably, phew I'm so glad we aren't talking about you and Ross

Rachel: what!

Phoebe: well for a second I thought Monica was talking about you and if it was YOU who had the doubts about getting married I wouldn't be so optimistic

Rachel: if it was me, why wouldn't you be optimistic . . . hypothetically

Phoebe: because it's you and Ross, you've been doing this crap like forever and if you wanted to marry him you would just know it

Rachel: so if it was me, hypothetically of course, you don't think my doubts would be gone by the time of the wedding?

Phoebe: well no because you've been on and off with Ross so much that surely you wanting to marry him would be a clear cut decision, you either do or you don't

Rachel: (scared) uh huh

Phoebe: but we're not talking about you right now so it doesn't matter because if we were talking about you I would know that that whole 'girl from work' story was a lie because I'm very astute when it comes to these things

Monica: you really are Pheebs!

Scene: coffee house, Chandler & Ross are there & Joey enters

Chandler: hey Joe how was the game with Larry!

Joey: oh pretty good, what did you do last night?

Chandler: me and Ross hung out and if I do say so myself we really ripped it up

Joey: oh cool so what happened?

Ross: we hung out at my place and watched this great documentary on qauntum mechanics!

Joey: huh I zoned out there when I heard documentary

Chandler: Ross couldn't you have come up with something else like we went to a strip club or something!

Ross: yes because that's a what a guy who's engaged and a guy who's about to become a father should do in their spare time

Chandler: well we've never tried it so how would we know if it is the wrong thing to do

Joey: if you really want to go to a strip club I know a place that opens early

Chandler: what do they offer the early bird special . . . huh don't find that funny, is Larry more fun to be around than me!

Joey: what's the matter with you?

Chandler: nothing but I am curious to know if Larry's commentary at the game was as funny as mine

Joey: actually he said less so I could actually watch the game!

Chandler: I knew it you like him more than me!

Ross: guys what's with all this tension?

Chandler: there's no tension, Joey's just gone and replaced me

Ross: hey I thought I was your best friend!

Joey: maybe I have replaced you but you did it first

Chandler: what! There is no way I like hanging out with Ross better than you!

Ross: did the last 15 years mean nothing to you!

Joey: look recently I've been thinking that with you guys having babies and getting married that you'd be too busy to hang out with me and so I thought I better get my hands on some single, non sperminating friends

Chandler: and how's that working out for you?

Joey: I miss you guys! (he hugs them)

Ross: could we maybe do this in a less public place because I don't want people getting the wrong idea about us

Gunther: I'm telling Rachel you're gay! . . . well I will the next time she comes in here because she won't give me her real address

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Joey enters

Chandler: so did you break up with Larry?

Joey: yeah I told him the spot of my best friend is taken but he took it hard, I mean can you blame him because I'm quite a catch

Monica: well I mean you don't have to break it off completely, you could steal from his fridge instead of always using ours

Joey: no I couldn't he doesn't even like pizza and his fridge has none of the stuff I like (goes to the fridge & starts rifling through it) yeah baby!

Monica: or you could stock your own fridge with food you like

Chandler: he can't hear you now, he only can hear the gentle hum of the fridge and the gurgle from his ever hungry stomach


	15. TOW the oranges

I don't own these characters

TOW the oranges

Scene: Joey's apartment, Phoebe's in the kitchen & Joey's enters from his room

Phoebe: hey good morning roomie

Joey: oh hey how was your date last night?

Phoebe: yea it was pretty good, yours?

Joey: yeah baby!

Phoebe: I take it that means you did the naughty with her?

(he goes into the bathroom & a man in the bathroom says hey, Joey runs out)

Phoebe: oh yeah when I said my date was pretty good that was a probably a bit of an understatement because he's still here!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Joey's apartment

Joey: Phoebe you could have told me he was in the bathroom!

Phoebe: sorry I told him to stay in my bedroom till you were up but he just has a mind of his own . . . he should be spanked! (starts reminiscing)

(David enters from the bathroom)

David: hey Joey I just want to apologize for that

Joey: how do you know my name! Are you a stalker! Can a famous soap opera star like myself not have a normal life! . . . . so who am I making this autograph out to?

David: I'm not your stalker Joey . . . I'm David

Joey: you're the science guy!

Phoebe: god no the science guy is way better looking . . . (David glares her) but I still had a wonderful time last night

David: Joey I'm one of the writers on Days of our Lives . . . we had breakfast last week

Joey: at the place that does those amazing bagels!

David: oh yeah I forgot you connect memories with food, yes Joey and we once fought over the last brownie

Joey: hey man why didn't you say you were the brownie guy!

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Monica drinks a full glass of orange juice in one go & pours another & does the same

Chandler: wow Mon you're really guzzling down that orange juice

Monica: I know I just can't get enough of it, I think it might be a pregnancy craving

Chandler: an orange juice craving, really? I just can't wait till you get really horny and you'll be saying 'oh Chandler I just can't get enough of you'

Monica: I don't sound like that!

Chandler: horny Monica does!

(Ross enters)

Ross: oh you're having breakfast

Chandler: as we tend to do most mornings

(Joey enters)

Joey: mmmmm I see bacon

Monica: (to Chandler) you think they actually like us or do they just come here for food?

Chandler: don't forget the comedy I provide!

Ross: hey listen has Rachel mentioned anything to you about the wedding?

Monica: (nervous) no course not, why what did she say!

Ross: it's not what she says but whenever I mention wedding stuff she like clams up or tries to change the topic and yesterday when I brought up wedding stuff she said she had to go change Emma's diaper!

Chandler: haha I kind of acted like that when we were engaged but wow a diaper changing excuse now that would have been handy

Joey: why what was your excuse?

Chandler: I believe it was 'I have to go to work'

Monica: which by the way I never bought!

Ross: so she didn't say anything to ye? And by ye I mean Monica

Joey: hey how do you know she didn't go to me or Chandler for advice!

Ross: because your response would have been along the lines of 'how you doing' and Chandler would have just crudely insulted her

Chandler: hey it wouldn't have been just crude, it would have also been mildly humorous!

Joey: and your 'how you doing' Ross its terrible no wonder you can't get girls, you really have to enunciate the 'you'

Monica: isn't it weird that when it comes to hitting on women Joey can use words like 'enunciate'

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: oh I knew I smelled bacon!

Chandler: you're a vegetarian you can't eat it

Phoebe: but I can enjoy the smell at least

Joey: oh Phoebe by the way . . . you can't go out with David again!

Monica: oh my god the science guy is back!

Joey: no it's one of the writers from Days

Phoebe: I wish it was science guy David, no its just a very common name and obviously all Davids have a penchant for the Pheeb love

Chandler: what other Davids have you been with?

Phoebe: well he swore me to secrecy but the magician

Ross: David Copperfield!

Phoebe: oh yeah and believe me he doesn't just pull rabbits out of hats if you know what I mean!

Chandler: . . . do you know what you mean!

Phoebe: it sounded funnier in my head

Joey: look stop getting off the subject, you can't be with this guy because he's a writer on Days so if anything happens it could affect my career and I don't want to be in a coma again because although I enjoyed not having to learn lines pretending to be asleep takes a lot out of you!

Phoebe: (ignoring Joey) oh I know what would have been funnier . . . he doesn't just do magic on the stage if you know what I mean!

Chandler: are you trying to say he was magic in the bedroom?

Phoebe: look he was good at the sex alright! Clearly you people cannot appreciate good jokes when its practically thrown in your face (she storms out)

Scene: Days of our lives set, Joey's there

Joey: hey you, my main man, my best bud

David: David?

Joey: right of course David, like I'd forget your name

David: well you did see me on the toilet in your apartment so I thought my name would be burned into your head but obviously not

Joey: well the image was, Joey Tribbiani knows to appreciate a good thing when it's in front of him . . . anyway I was just wondering how things went with Phoebe?

David: oh we had such a good time, we really hit it off in fact we're going out again tomorrow, this is such a big deal for me because I divorced from my wife six months ago and so this is a big step for me

Joey: well of course it is and Phoebe is a special girl!

David: she's the person who's going to put my faith back into relationships because believe me your wife sending videos of you doing some very private things to all your family and friends tends to destroy such faith

Joey: don't you worry, Phoebe's in this for the long run, I mean it's not like she somebody who sleeps with loads of guys and never sees them again

David: no course not, sure she told me I was only the third guy she's ever had sex with

Joey: yea she's like a priest or something!

Scene: coffee house, Rachel's there & Monica enters

Monica: oh thank god I've been looking for you all day

Rachel: well it wouldn't have been that hard to find me considering I've been at work all day

Monica: yea I thought to look there but then I got sick and that smell is a difficult one to get rid of and so I had to shower and clean the bathroom and

Rachel: sweetie you're getting off the point a bit, what'd you want me for?

Monica: I think Ross knows

Rachel: oh my god! Really, oh he is going to kill me!

Monica: what no he'll understand if you just talk to him about your fears

Rachel: what he knows about my wedding jitters!

Monica: yea, what were you talking about?

Rachel: I sort of spilled coke on a bunch of his fossils yesterday

Monica: ok for that he probably will kill you

Rachel: what did he say to you?

Monica: well he just sensed you weren't at ease with the whole thing because you were avoiding the topic or would try to leave the room when it came up

Rachel: tell me about it and Emma's diaper doesn't need to be changed the amount of times I was claiming to do it

Monica: well I guess you're going to have to talk to him

Rachel: or just cover my tracks better

Monica: Rachel!

Rachel: look maybe my supposed wedding 'fears' are actually masking intense wedding excitement

Monica: kay well I didn't buy that but if helps you then keep thinking that!

Rachel: ugh the biggest fear I ever had before this was about my nose and that was in high school and could be easily solved with surgery . . . unless a lobotomy would help me?

Monica: well if you keep this wedding crap up you'll be getting a rossotomy (starts laughing) ah I have been with Chandler way too long

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Monica's at the sink eating a whole orange, the skin and everything

Monica: this is so disgusting and it's making such a mess, oh what a turn on!

(Chandler enters)

Monica: oh hey you! You want to join me in the bedroom?

Chandler: is this hormones talking? Oh I don't care you want sex and I am here to fulfill your every need, lets go baby! (they both run to the bedroom, Monica takes a bag of oranges with her) why are you bringing in oranges?

Monica: the pregnancy hormones have given me weird turn ons, are you going to waste time asking questions or are you going to do me!

Chandler: you're right, questions later, sex now, FOCUS CHANDLER! (they run into the bedroom)


	16. TOW Ross & the 'free' wine

I don't own these characters

TOW everyone goes to dinner

Scene: Monica & Chandler's apartment, Phoebe enters

Phoebe: oh good Rachel you're here (Chandler coughs) if I wanted to say hello to you I would have already!

Chandler: ah good another woman I've successfully annoyed

Rachel: is Monica hormonal?

(Monica enters from the bedroom)

Monica: oh look your all here waiting for me to cook you breakfast! Yea lets let the pregnant lady bend over backwards over a stove!

Rachel: (whispers to Chandler) it's okay I answered my own question

Monica: what are you two whispering about!

Chandler: yeah it's senses have been heightened with this pregnancy, nobody is safe!

OPENING CREDITS

Phoebe: hey Rachel would you and Ross be free tomorrow night to come on a double date with David and I?

Monica: what about us! Are you ashamed of us!

Phoebe: no I just thought with the baby and everything you'd be too tired to come out for dinner . . . I suppose Chandler could come without you though

Chandler: it doesn't matter anyway my parents are in town and want to meet us for dinner tomorrow night

Monica: irregardless is that all you guys see when you look at me now, a big ole pregnant lady!

Phoebe: no of course not but David hasn't met any of you guys and I want him to think I have really cool, nice friends because your friends reflect on you

Monica: I can be cool and nice!

Chandler: Phoebe please don't anger her

Rachel: yea because it's not good for the baby

Chandler: screw the baby what about us, the baby doesn't have to deal with her for months!

Monica: (crying) you don't like me at all do you

Chandler: oh Phoebe look what you've done, here sweetie I like you (he hugs her)

Monica: well duh you have to say that!

Phoebe: seriously Monica hormones or bipolar, choose because you can't be both!

Scene: coffee house, everyones there

Rachel: so Phoebe whats the plan for dinner tonight?

Phoebe: we'll be meeting David at the restaurant at eight

Ross: (high pitched voice) oh I'm so excited to meet him (everyone stares at him) what!

Chandler: well we're just surprised because usually it's me who has a questionable sexuality

Rachel: so Chandler are you nervous to see your parents?

Chandler: no!

Monica: well you could at least try to sound sincere sweetie

Ross: do they know about the baby?

Chandler: yea, my dad's response, in addition to the obvious joy, was also wondering whether he could borrow Monica's clothes since she won't be able to fit into them anymore

Rachel: I remember once in high school Monica was trying to lose some weight and to inspire herself she bought all these clothes she would NEVER fit into and then when she failed I got to take them off her hands

Monica: I didn't fail! You locked me in a room with double stuffed oreos until I broke down and ate them all, putting back on the weight I had lost and you being like 'these thin clothes will only depress you'

Rachel: ah yeah high school was a blast

Scene: restaurant, Ross, Rachel & Phoebe are there

Rachel: oh this place is so fancy

Ross: and expensive but David is a writer on Days so I assume he'll be paying for everything because I'm just a scientist I work not for the money or perks but to increase people's knowledge

Rachel: oh sure tonight you're 'just a scientist' but when we were in line at the supermarket the other day it was like 'I'm a scientist and there's an emergency at the lab'

Ross: it usually works

Rachel: it never works!

Scene: another restaurant, Monica & Chandler are there

Chandler: hm there goes my mom into a closet with a waiter so she's otherwise engaged and you know we've already been waiting an age for my dad, he's probably not coming, we should just leave

Monica: he's ten minutes late

Chandler: but I know how much punctuality means to you

Monica: I can muster the strength to wait a bit longer

Chandler: are you sure? Because anything that stresses you stresses the baby

Monica: aw it's nice to see you're already using your child to get out of things

Chandler: yea and kids are a way better excuse than using the 'I have to pick up my wife' excuse

(Chandler's dad enters)

Dad: hello all!

Monica: it's lovely to see you again Mr. (looks Chandler & he nods) Mr. Bing

Dad: aw is that a little baby bump I see or has somebody been spending too much time at the dessert table

Chandler: no she's just gotten fat

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: what when I'm anxious I make terrible jokes, you knew that when you married me

Waiter: hello are we ready to order yet?

Dad: can I order you honey . . . well-done please (Chandler puts his head in his hands)

(Chandler's Mom enters)

Nora: grandma's here

Charles: honey you cannot carry off 'grandma', I'll be grandma, you can be 'nana' (Chandler starts banging his head against the table)

Scene: restaurant, Ross, Rachel & Phoebe are there

Rachel: Phoebe check your phone again, maybe he's left a message?

Phoebe: check my phone again! Is that all you can say . . . it's clear he's not coming tonight or maybe he came in, saw you two and was like 'ugh she has such pathetic friends, I'm finishing with her despite the fact she's amazing in the sack'

Ross: hey I have a PHD! I'm not pathetic

Rachel: you have had too much wine though

Ross: (whispers) it's ok David's paying for it, you want to get another bottle?

Rachel: (whispers to Ross) maybe don't mention his name, Phoebe's pretty distressed

Ross: Phoebe distressed but she's in love with DAVID, he must be a special guy to have our Phoebe all la-di-la like a school girl

Rachel: Ross please, lets use our inside voice

Ross: la-di-dee-la Phoebe's in love and we're getting married and Phoebe's in love for real like because I've seen her in enough relationships that weren't going ANYWHERE and now she has David and

Phoebe: Gellar you're really pushing my buttons right now!

Ross: oh my god Phoebe you should propose, why wait for David just get in there and do it!

Phoebe: ugh huh maybe

Ross: no maybes Phoebe because you mightn't ever find a guy who loves you AND puts up with your crazy stuff

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: this is nice isn't it, you and David with me and Rachel, two loving couples together . . . hey Phoebe where is David?

Phoebe: seriously! ROSS DAVID ISN'T HERE, HE'S NOT COMING!

Ross: (whispers) Phoebe listen to Rachel . . . use your inside voice!

Scene: restaurant, Monica, Chandler & his parents are there

Charles: so who's for desert?

Nora: see now a real woman always know to avoid desert, keeps the body in tip top shape (to Monica) carbs don't suit the females of my family so if its a girl make sure she knows!

Chandler: no its ok Monica was an overweight kid so our children are bound to have some weight issues

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: I told you before we came out to ignore anything that comes out of my mouth tonight! Woman, right! They just never listen to you (they all are stare him) dad I know you're in a dress right now but you could at least back me up

Charles: course I agree with you, that's why I left your mother and only date men now

Chandler: thanks for always having my back dad!

Nora: really I thought it was because most woman wouldn't be too aroused by you and your 'special' anatomy wrapped in cheap sequin gowns

Monica: Ms. Bing Mr. Bing really puts a lot of effort into his . . . her . . . (whispers to Chandler) his or her? . . . its appearance

Chandler: look can you both just stop taking cheap shots at each other, we're here tonight to celebrate the fact that you're becoming grandparents, do you two ever realize why I don't get in contact with ye more often!

Charles: we're sorry sweetie, there was a reason we wanted to meet you together because we have a surprise for you

Chandler: before you say no if its a boy it is not going to ever be part of your Vegas show!

Nora: no Chandler, we were talking the other day and we want to start a trust fund for the baby because you are our son and we love you and are so proud of you

Charles: and honey that offer for your child to join that show will always stand . . . in fact you and Monica could also be part of it, it'll be like the sound of music only in Vegas with scantily clad men not Nazis

Chandler: wow guys that's amazing, thank you so much

Monica: (whispers to Chandler) sweetie they're giving us money, so we mightn't have to worry about paying for college so I'd apologize better and start groveling!

Chandler: I love you guys!

Monica: much better . . . so I guess you'll be needing our bank account details!

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Ross apartment, Rachel & Ross enters, Ross is drunk

Ross: what a lovely dinner, wasn't it just lurvelly

Rachel: really because I thought Phoebe crying and you getting us thrown out kind of wrecked the mood

Ross: what you pay that much and they don't have a karaoke machine!

Rachel: well you didn't have to sing 'Like a Virgin' at like 300 decibels!

Ross: I can't help it baby its just how you make me feel! (he goes to kiss her & collapses)

Rachel: I am so not picking you up right now . . . night Ross! (she leaves)


	17. TOW Chandler's the king

I don't own these characters

TOW Chandler's the king

Scene: coffee house, everyone's there & Phoebe enters

Monica: oh somebody looks happy

Phoebe: I know even for me I'm looking positively stunning today

Rachel: were you on a date with David? Is everything ok between you two after dinner last week?

Phoebe: yes we went for lunch and he apologized for not calling and standing me up and then afterwards we went back to his apartment, this relationship is so mature for me because it's the first time I'm with someone and it's not just about sex

Rachel: but you went back to his apartment, I mean Phoebe I'm guessing you didn't just talk

Phoebe: oh yea we had FUN but with most guys I'm with we would be so all about the sex that we'd do it somewhere public but with David I'm willing to wait till we're alone . . . and I've gotten enough fines for public nudity

Joey: well things better be going well because he really likes you and I like my job, I don't want to have to get a real job like you guys where I can't sit around all day drinking coffee

Chandler: yea real jobs suck! (everyone takes a sip of coffee)

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: coffee house, as before

Ross: so Phoebe you think this relationship could become a longterm thing?

Phoebe: well I definitely haven't felt this way in a long time, I mean I think I'm falling in love with this guy

Ross: wow Phoebe I'm so happy for you

Phoebe: me too! And I'm sorry I have to be throwing my love in your faces . . . well I'm not that sorry

Rachel: what do you mean?

Phoebe: well no offense but none of ye have been in a serious relationship for a long time

Ross: hey we're engaged, Monica and Chandler are married and Joey is in a serious relationship with himself!

Phoebe: oh yea you're in relationships but what I'm experiencing is REAL love

Monica: hey I love Chandler way more than you love this David!

Phoebe: really then prove it!

Monica: fine I'll prove it the only way I know how! (she starts making out with Chandler)

Chandler: is this because you love me or to win against Phoebe? (she's silent) you don't even know do you!

Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler knocks at the door

Chandler: hey do you have any super glue?

Rachel: oh yea I borrowed it off you guys when I broke one of Ross's dinosaur skeleton things, why do you need it?

Chandler: I broke one of Monica's vases . . . so how's everything going between you two?

Rachel: what do you mean?

Chandler: Monica kind of mentioned that you were suffering a bit of cold feet

Rachel: did Monica tell you! That woman cannot keep her mouth shut!

Chandler: hey she tells me everything!

Rachel: no she doesn't! She just is enjoying gossiping about me behind my back!

Chandler: well what's so scary about this engagement? And remember who you're talking to here, I am the king of commitment phobias

Rachel: that is true

Chandler: I bet you any feeling you're having I've had and look at me now, married with a baby on the way! And my therapist said I'd never get this far

Rachel: alright you want in . . . (speaking really fast) I think we're moving too fast, we've just had a baby a few months ago and now we're engaged and we weren't even in a relationship when we had Emma it was just a drunken mistake

Chandler: ah the 'moving to fast' fear yep I've been here

Rachel: great so what do I do about it!

Chandler: wow you want advice from me, I thought all you wanted was to know was that I've been through this before . . . I don't do advice

Rachel: then why are you here!

Chandler: for super glue! . . . Look Rachel there were plenty of times when I thought Monica & I were moving too fast like when we almost eloped in Vegas but she felt the same way

Rachel: are you trying to say that Ross feels the same as me! Do you not know Ross, he's crazy about weddings and marriage and proposing

Chandler: don't forget dinosaurs

Rachel: seriously leave my house right now!

Chandler: alright I'm sorry but in all seriousness, something I rarely promise, if you don't tell Ross what you're going through you'll try to run like I did at my wedding

Rachel: I can't talk to him, he might leave me

Chandler: that's what I thought with Monica so next thing you know I'm running out the door the night before my wedding considering getting a taxi to the airport

Rachel: where were you going to fly to?

Chandler: yemen, it's my go to place when a relationship gets too much for me, but Rachel Ross finding me was the best thing ever because once I saw her walking up that aisle I realized that I loved her so much and I wanted to get married to her

Rachel: so you think that by the time of the wedding it'll be ok?

Chandler: you love Ross and you want to get married to him so yes I think it'll be ok

Rachel: . . . except I'm not sure that I do love him or want to get married to him

Chandler: wow I did not see that coming!

Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey enters & David & Phoebe are there

Joey: hey David you're here, I see you at work and then I come home and you're here, it's like we're married or something

Phoebe: hey get your mits off him Tribbiani! Oh wait you were just joking, David's making me dinner

David: I'm cooking chinese, do you want some?

Joey: well I can't ever say no to my heritage now can I! So since you're here can you give me any idea what's going to be happening to Drake in the next few episodes

David: oh Joey you know I can't be giving out that information

Phoebe: oh you mister are just so powerful!

Joey: what if I promise to ensure Phoebe keeps putting out?

David: Joey I'm sorry but rules are rules, you'll get given your script when everyone else is

Phoebe: oh and baby don't worry I'll keep putting out irregardless . . . like you could even stop me!

Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross enters

Ross: hey sweetie

Rachel: oh hey how was work?

Ross: oh so good, we got the results back from this fossil we carbon dated and you won't be believe what we found it

Rachel: can I 'not believe' in like five minutes

Ross: what's going on?

Rachel: well its just I kind of need to talk to you

Ross: oh I think I know what this is about

Rachel: you do and you're not mad, you're not going to leave me?

Ross: of course not, I mean you only spilled coke on my fossil replicas I keep my real ones away from people like you . . . and Joey

Rachel: hm I don't think we're on the same page here

Ross: sweetie we're getting married, we're always on the same page

Rachel: no I think we must have lost the bookmark or something because believe me we are on two completely different pages

Ross: what's going on?

Rachel: ok well recently I've been feeling some things . . . feelings surprisingly enough, about the wedding

Ross: okay well tell me, I'm all ears

Rachel: ok right . . . (Ross's phone starts ringing) you know if the universe doesn't want me to talk to you I don't want to talk to you!

Ross: hello . . . oh my god what happened? . . . . is she okay? . . . . yeah of course I'll be right there

Rachel: are you really going to ditch me for some fossil emergency because Ross you're not a real doctor and I think the dead fossil can wait till I'm done talking to you

Ross: . . . it's Monica

Rachel: what wrong?

Ross: she's at the hospital . . . Chandler thinks she's losing the baby

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey's there on a laptop & Phoebe enters

Phoebe: what are you doing?

Joey: on David left his laptop here and I thought I might try to see if he's got any of the upcoming scripts on this bad boy

Phoebe: oh cool so what's the next scandal facing Dr. Remorary!

Joey: I don't know I can't get into it, there's a stupid password

Phoebe: oh here let me try (starts typing & it works)

Joey: oh class it worked! What was the password?

Phoebe: crazy bitch

Joey: oh is that a nickname for his ex-wife?

Phoebe: no that's his nickname for me


	18. TOW the digestive issues

I don't own these characters

TOW the digestive issues

Scene: hospital waiting room, Ross & Rachel are there, Ross is pacing up & down

Rachel: sweetie just relax Chandler said he'd be out to talk to us as soon as he's finished with the doctor

Ross: I know I know . . . hey what did you want to talk to me about before all this happened?

Rachel: oh honey we don't need to talk about that now

Ross: no I need anything to take my mind off Monica

Rachel: we REALLY don't need to talk about it now . . . really!

Ross: come on is it to do with the wedding? Is it about the center pieces I mentioned?

Rachel: well since you insist its just I'm not so sure about

Ross: just as long as it isn't bad news because I can't take anymore negative stuff tonight

Rachel: it is about the center pieces . . . . I love them

Ross: really you're just not saying that?

Rachel: LOVE THEM!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: as before, Chandler enters

Ross: oh hey what's going on?

Chandler: we lost the baby . . . Monica had a miscarriage

(Rachel & Ross hug him)

Rachel: how's Monica?

Chandler: she's distraught, I mean so am I but she's wanted a baby all her life so me wanting one for like a couple of months doesn't really compare

Ross: can we see her?

Chandler: she said that while she's thankful you're here she's not really in the mood to talk to anybody and frankly neither am I

Ross: Seriously! We came all the way down here to be with you guys . . . sorry sorry I'm a terrible person whatever you guys want

Chandler: it's ok man

Ross: no seriously that was a horrible thing to say, I'm just a little on edge I didn't get much sleep last night and I thought Rachel didn't like the center pieces I'd chosen

Rachel: oh my god Ross stop talking!

Ross: I'm doing it again aren't I . . . it mightn't seem like it but am I only like this because I love you two so much and really don't know what to say

Chandler: believe me nothing you can say will make us feel any better

Rachel: well look we'll leave you guys alone like you asked but if you need anything don't hesitate to call us!

Chandler: thanks Rach (they hug) maybe you should think about getting Ross a valium or something it really did the trick with Monica when we were planning the wedding

Scene: Joey's apartment, Phoebe's there & Joey enters

Joey: wow you look fancy

Phoebe: I'm on my way to meet David and he deserves the best which is great because I am, hey how did it go at the hospital?

Joey: Chandler said they're keeping Monica in overnight and he's going to stay with her

Phoebe I was going to cancel my date but then Ross said they want to be alone so I decided that after hearing that horrible news I should go out with my boyfriend, be thankful for everything I had and have a night of unadorned passion (Joey looks confused) have a lot of sex

Joey: I wish I could do that, well I mean I could because there's usually attractive women on the street willing to go out with a handsome stranger like myself and even if there's not I feeling so down I'm almost willing to drop my standards slightly to find a girl but I don't even want to do that, I feel so bad for Monica and Chandler because that baby was so special to them

Phoebe: I know! I mean no offense to Rachel and Ross but they so don't deserve Emma

Joey: that's what I was thinking and then I remembered Monica's always going on about how cute Emma is so I thought what if I steal Emma for them, it'll be easy I'll distract Ross with a dinosaur and Rachel with clothes

Phoebe: Joey nothing we say, do or steal can comfort them right now so I think do the next best thing and comfort yourself

Joey: I guess so (checks the fridge) would be wrong to go across the hall and steal from Monica's fridge because we have nothing comforting in here

Phoebe: you steal whatever you need to make yourself feel better, I wouldn't have survived the streets without that motto!

Scene: hospital room, Monica & Chandler are there

Monica: how you doing there?

Chandler: what'd you mean?

Monica: well you're awfully quiet and you haven't said a joke or sarcastic comment in hours . . . it could be a new record for you . . . see if I can try my hand at some comedy to lighten the mood you can too

Chandler: I just can't get my head around it, one minute we're having a baby and then we're not

Monica: look this was a terrible thing but we'll get through it because we're bigger than this, we'll never forget this baby but we will move on, we have to

Chandler: how are you so strong . . . both literally and figuritively!

Monica: strong? Did you not see my cry my eyes out for the last four hours!

Chandler: saw and heard

Monica: there you go, good joke sweetie

Chandler: you know I hate pity laughs

Monica: well it was either a pity laugh or no laugh at all

Chandler: it could have been a fake laugh, I mean that's what you do with most of my jokes

Monica: my fake laugh is still a work in progress

Chandler: we've been together over four years . . . it should be perfect by now!

Monica: do I sense some sarcasm there

Chandler: no

Monica: there it was again

Chandler: (starts laughing) I love you so much

Monica: ditto

Chandler: and we're ok?

Monica: it'll take awhile to get over this but yeah we'll get there (they kiss)

Scene: coffee house, Rachel enters & Joey's there

Joey: wow someone looks like they are suffering from some melancholy

Rachel: what?

Joey: melancholy, it's another word for sad

Rachel: oh no I know that what I don't get is why you know that

Joey: I'm looking at this script of some Shakespearean play and boy did that guy come up with a lot of words!

Rachel: I'm ok it's just have you ever bottled something up inside you for so long that when you want it to leave it just won't like it's stuck or something

Joey: oh yeah I've been there, the human stomach is a sensitive thing

Rachel: hm I don't think that's exactly what I'm talking about

Joey: Rach it's ok, I love food and eat a lot of it so I suffer for my passion, digestive problems are nothing to be ashamed of

Rachel: oh honey the walls between our bedrooms in your apartment when I lived with you were paper thin so believe me I know you're never ashamed

(Phoebe enters)

Joey: hey hey you loved up teenager you! Did David make you feel better?

Phoebe: actually he's kind of annoying me lately so I think this relationship has run its sexually charged course

Rachel: I thought you were in love!

Phoebe: I thought so too but he's just been getting on my nerves and I still haven't fully forgiven him for standing me up at dinner

Rachel: but sweetie I thought he had a valid excuse for that

Phoebe: I've been thinking about it and I'm not so sure, I mean would you really believe that they'd have to call back in the head writer because somebody broke the printer by spilling coffee on it thus destroying all the scripts

Joey: hey those things are way more delicate than they look!

Phoebe: and besides I'm his girlfriend of over four weeks, surely I'm a higher priority than keeping your job

(Ross enters)

Ross: (sarcastic) wow don't you guys all look like such a happy bunch

Joey: well Rachel and I are having some stomach issues (Ross looks him) yea avoid the scones here right Rach, and Phoebe is thinking of ending things with David

Phoebe: yes I'm contemplating getting back on the conveyor belt that is the single gal's life

Ross: but you said you loved him

Phoebe: but sometimes he really gets on my nerves

Rachel: Phoebe just because you in love with somebody doesn't mean you love them all the time

Ross: care to explain my darling fiance!

Rachel: come on there's plenty that I do that annoys the hell out of you but you're still considering marrying me . . . unless you're having second thoughts because we can slow this thing down the minute you say so! (they all look confused)

Ross: of course I want to marry you but I think you got a little off the point there

Rachel: you didn't let me finish . . . Phoebe don't break up with David

Joey: well I think you should give it another try because I for one have never seen you so happy

Phoebe: aw Joey that's so sweet

Joey: and I've never heard someone scream so much from the bedroom so obviously he must be a keeper

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: coffee house

Joey: hey Gunther can I get a couple of muffins to go please

Rachel: Joey I thought you said you were feeling sick

Joey: I was but these are todays muffins, that's a luxury I usually don't get to enjoy!

Rachel: well maybe you should give your tummy a rest for the night

Joey: I thought you understood me digestively but clearly you don't know what it means to suffer for your passion!

Gunther: here's your box of muffins Joey

Joey: thank you can put it on my tab, now if anybody needs me I'll be on my toilet!


	19. TOW all the mothering

I don't own these characters

TOW all the mothering

Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is on the couch under a blanket & Rachel enters

Rachel: why aren't you at work! You think Vera Wang will work on my wedding dress for free!

Ross: please lessen the decibels you're using, I'm sick

Rachel: oh poor you (she begins to leave)

Ross: where are you going?

Rachel: you're sick and I don't want your germs near my child

Ross: and

Rachel: I DON'T WANT TO GET SICK

Ross: but I need you . . . I could use a drink of

Rachel: how do we know its not something more serious, neither of us are doctors

Ross: hey!

Rachel: REAL doctors! . . . love you sweetie (she leaves slamming the door)

Ross: what did I say about the decibels!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Days of our lives set, Joey's there

David: hey Joey is Phoebe ok?

Joey: (quiet) I know no secrets

David: I was just wondering if she's annoyed at me or something because she's been kind of off with me lately, she doesn't want to break up with me does she?

Joey: why, would that be a problem?

David: hell yeah it would, I finally let a woman back into my life and she does this to me, if she leaves me I'm going to leave New York for Europe, maybe it's time I tried European woman

Joey: what about the armpit rumors!

David: its better than offering your heart to an American woman and seeing her rip it apart!

Joey: dude it's their armpits! . . . wait if you leave New York, you will still work here right?

David: no

Joey: but you write so many story lines where I'm the lead!

David: I only did that because Phoebe threatened to do horrible things to my thing!

Joey: whoa look we're jumping the rocket here

David: jumping the gun you mean?

Joey: why would you jump a gun, it'd be too easy

David: exactly meaning it'll be done quickly . . . that's where the saying came from

Joey: and there's another reason you can't leave, you teach me so much . . . look I'll talk to Phoebe for you because you're not leaving me and going somewhere where women don't shave, I mean if they don't shave their armpits they probably don't shave their faces

Scene: coffee house, Monica's there & Rachel enters sneezing

Monica: someone sounds sick

Rachel: I know, your stupid, half-wit brother gave it to me . . . who knows what else he's given me!

Monica: well he gave you Emma

Rachel: I know and look what good thats done for me!

Monica: Rachel!

Rachel: what! You want a child take Emma

Monica: I could take Emma! how far away is Canada?

Rachel: what?

Monica: nothing (feels her forehead) Rachel you're burning up, we have to get you home . . . Gunther could I get a cold glass of water for Rachel she has a fever

Gunther: my apartment isn't far away . . . she could have a cold shower in my bathroom instead

Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey enters & Phoebe's there

Joey: there you are! I've been looking for you all day

Phoebe: did you not check any of my regular begging spots

Joey: look David thinks you want to break-up with him

Phoebe: oh good, I was wondering how long it would take for the message to get through because I was getting bored of my subtle hints

Joey: you call ignoring him subtle!

Phoebe: subtle for me (Chandler enters)

Chandler: hey have you guys seen Monica, I've just come home for work and

Phoebe: and what, your dinner's not ready! You're wife's not waiting for with baited breath because there's nothing else of importance in her life but to keep her man happy!

Chandler: yes exactly . . . whats gotten you so angry?

Phoebe: I was just showing Joey how subtle I can be

Scene: Ross's apartment, Monica's there & Ross & Rachel are on the couch in blankets

Monica: ok you two, it's time to take your temperatures (Ross starts taking off his pants) what are you doing, are you delerious!

Ross: that's how Mom takes my tempera (Rachel & Monica stare him) actually you know I'm burning up so I thought 'hm lose the pants that'll cool me down'

Monica: I'm making a mental note to ignore everything you two say while you're in this condition

Ross: and this medication you got is broken, I've took it over a half an hour ago and look still a runny nose

Monica: you don't have to tell me, I can see the amount of phlem you're producing from here thank you very much

Rachel: ew Ross!

Monica: sweetie its not a bed of roses on your face either

Rachel: hey I'm sick . . . so be nice to me!

Monica: so you don't want me to tell you you've got a mini Niagrua falls under your nose?

Rachel: when I'm sick I don't!

Scene: Joey's apartment, Phoebe & Joey

Joey: how about if I offer to lessen my naked walk-abouts through the apartment?

Phoebe: no I enjoy those, that's why I have a peep hole on my door

Joey: I could stop putting pieces of chicken in your mouth when you nap on the couch

Phoebe: what!

Joey: look what will I have to do for you so don't break up with David?

Phoebe: Joey you can't force me to stay in a relationship with someone whom I sometimes have homicidal thoughts about

Joey: but Phoebe this is my career we're talking about, I would do anything to help you in your career

Phoebe: I can't be any better at my job I have reached the pinnacle of massage-hood

Joey: please this is so important to me!

Phoebe: Joey!

Joey: please, David pitched this idea about my character to the writers and they loved it, it'll be written in a couple of weeks and then once something's down in paper it can't be changed so if you can just hold on for a bit longer

Phoebe: alright fine but I won't enjoy it and you have to let me take all my anger out on you in any way I see fit

Joey: (scared) what kind of ways?

Phoebe: I can't tell you, it'll ruin the surprise

Scene: Ross's apartment, Monica's there all frazzled from trying to look after Ross & Rachel & Chandler enters

Chandler: hey what are you doing over here?

Monica: looking after Ross and Rachel, this cold has them by the balls

Chandler: Rachel's balls too eh?

Monica: well the way she's been throwing things at me when I upset her is nothing close to the way a girl is supposed to throw

Ross &Rachel: (shouting from his bedroom) MONICA!

Chandler: what's wrong with them?

Monica: I was supposed to fluff Ross's pillow 2 minutes ago and I meant to bring Rachel in some camamile tea in 1 minute and 15 seconds ago

Chandler: and they're just shouting at you!

Monica: I know I can totally see where they're coming from

Chandler: Monica they can't treat you like this

Monica: no see they can, I'd be mad at me too if I was treating myself like this (Ross & Rachel come out)

Ross: did you not hear me coughing!

Chandler: hm I think your shouting was drowning out the coughing

Rachel: yes his feeble attempts at coughing because in our current states

Chandler: cut the crap Green!

Rachel: (starts crying) I'm sick you have to be nice to me, Monica punish him!

Chandler: you're just using her

Monica: Chandler please no one uses me, I'm letting them use me

Rachel: yes Chandler so let us let her use . . . let me . . . use . . . let . . . oh just leave!

Chandler: ok Monica you are still getting over the baby stuff and are just mothering them

Monica: no I'm not . . . you're just annoyed because I wasn't home in time to draw you a bath, I'll do that the minute I tuck these two into bed

Ross: a bath Chandler?

Rachel: looks like someone else is letting Monica mother them

Chandler: hey I married her so I'm supposed to get that treatment!

Ross: I'm her brother!

Chandler: yes and you had like fifteen years of her all to yourself so she could take of you then, now it's my turn

Ross: hey in my defense back then there was too much of Monica to take care of so she had no time for anyone else!

Rachel: guys look (Monica's fallen asleep on the couch)

Ross: well my pillow's not going to fluff itself, wake her up!

Chandler: no! Look this is the first time she's slept since she left the hospital . . . I know to you guys it seems like she got over all the miscarriage stuff but she's still really hurting inside, we both are and with you guys sick I think she saw it as a way to use up all these maternal feelings she has

Rachel: oh god we were really horrible to her

Chandler: so I'm going to take her home

Ross: yea of course . . . before you go you want to fluff my pillow, I wouldn't ask but my muscles ache so

Rachel: oh and could you make me some tea

Chandler: you two selfish beings belong together (he picks up Monica & leaves)

Ross: will you fluff my pillow . . . dearest Rachel (she glares him)

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Joey's apartment, Phoebe enters

Joey: hey so how was your date? You love him don't you?

Phoebe: remember when I said he'd annoy so much but I'd handle it because I love you and you're my friend

Joey: oh yeah you don't forget those declarations

Phoebe: and remember when I said that you'd have to let me take out said annoyance on you in any way I see fit

Joey: (scared) no

Phoebe: well I see fit and the time is now! (Joey runs into his bedroom & Phoebe starts banging on the door) don't you run from me, I will destroy you!


	20. TOW two Ross's

I don't own these characters

TOW theres two Rosses

Scene: Days of our Lives set, Joey's there

David: hey Joey are you busy?

Joey: hell yeah I am, I'm trying to learn the lines for this scene but it's so hard

David: what's wrong with it?

Joey: dude its the words, they're too long!

David: Joey as I've told you before doctors use big words

Joey: yea but they have like two years of college to learn them, I don't!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Day's of Our Lives set

David: listen I was wondering if you could help me with something?

Joey: will it involve me using my legs?

David: yes

Joey: will there be a subway nearby should I need energy?

David: Joey I want you to come with me to help me pick out an engagement ring

Joey: oh my god!

David: I know

Joey: so who's the lucky girl?

David: Phoebe!

Joey: what but you guys have been together for like

David: 3 months and yeah sure it's probably a bit soon but I just have never felt this way about anyone

Joey: but 3 months, do you even know her last name?

David: Buffay

Joey: wow you two must have really connected, it took me years to remember that!

Scene: coffee house, Joey enters & Monica, Chandler & Rachel are there

Rachel: why are you grinning so much?

Joey: its nothing really, I just know something

Rachel: oh is it juicy?

Joey: its pretty juicy alright

Rachel: so tell us!

Joey: oh I can't I've been sworn to secrecy

Monica: but you hate keeping secrets, I mean when Chandler and I were sneaking around you were always complaining about keeping it a secret

Joey: but this is a good secret, I don't mind keeping good secrets

Monica: it wasn't a good secret that two of your friends were falling in love

Chandler: or more importantly that your best friend FINALLY getting some on a regular basis!

Joey: hey it took me a long time to get my head around that and yes at first I wasn't too happy with you guys because I thought you'd break up eventually and it'd be another Ross-Rachel breakup thing, how was I supposed to know you two weren't just in it for the sex yet alone that it'd last this long

Rachel: would you all be quiet and let Joey tell us his secret!

Joey: no no this stays between me and David

Rachel: so it's about Phoebe!

Joey: I never said that

Monica: but the only reason we know him is because he's going out with Phoebe

Joey: alright fine it's about her, and since you guys have pretty much figured it out now I guess I'll have to fill in the gaps, god secret keeping is hard!

Chandler: no Joe not if you don't want

Rachel: shhhhhhh you! Joey give me everything you got! (Gunther hearing this line drops a cup) never mind him, come on spill!

Joey: well ok since I have too . . . I'm going shopping with David tomorrow to help him choose an engagement ring

Rachel: why would he need an engagement ring? (begins to realize) NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Monica: oh my god!

Rachel: Joey that's not a good secret!

Joey: why not?

Monica: they've been barely going out that long

Chandler: unless

Monica: unless what?

Chandler: David is another Ross

Monica: thats it!

Rachel: what are you talking about?

Chandler: hello proposing to a woman this early in a relationship and she's not even pregnant, classic Ross!

Monica: and of all the women you know wouldn't you say Phoebe would be most likely to try lesbianism

Rachel: if she hasn't already

Chandler: and this guy already has one divorce under his belt

Monica: so he's Ross . . . making Phoebe his Emily, she even does a mean British accent

Chandler: its like 1999 all over again . . . allowing us to actually party like its 1999! (Ross enters)

Joey: you guys are over reacting

Ross: over reacting about what?

Joey: David's going to propose to Phoebe

Ross: oh wow this is so great!

Chandler: case in point, only somebody like Ross would react that way to news like that

Rachel: so you don't think its too soon?

Ross: not if he loves her, I mean I knew with Emily that she was the woman for me (Rachel glares at him) until I remembered your name and forgot hers

Rachel: (sarcastic) you think David is as heartfelt as Ross?

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Rachel & Monica are there

Rachel: I still can't believe this, I mean they barely know each other

Monica: well you and Ross weren't together too long when he proposed

Rachel: yes but we have a history

Monica: but you guys

Rachel: WE HAVE A HISTORY!

Monica: oh someones defensive, I'm guessing we've come to terms with our engagement

Rachel: oh yeah I just can't wait to get married to a man who condones this behavior, how do I know that after we get married Ross's proposal obsession will end, what if one day he gets the urge to propose and just does it to some random girl on the street

Monica: relax no woman in her right mind would say yes

Rachel: I don't know we live in New York, a place where single woman are pretty desperate to get married to anything with a penis, sometimes not even that!

Monica: hm I see where you're coming from, paleotologist, three divorces, currently married, two kids, one illegitimate . . . he is quite the catch!

Scene: Joey's apartment, the guys are there

Joey: do we have to keep talking about this, I'm so bored

Chandler: Phoebe is our friend, she deserves to know that her boyfriend is Ross!

Ross: hey I don't care for your tone

Chandler: can you really see this working!

Ross: maybe I mean they love each other don't they

Joey: I don't know sometimes he really gets on Phoebe's nerves

Ross: but she's still with him isn't she!

Chandler: all idealism aside are you telling me you actually see this working?

Ross: why not, who cares if they haven't been together that long, I mean Emily and I would probably still be together if I'd gotten her name right at the alter

Chandler: hey don't beat yourself up about it, it's a hard name to learn what with all those syllables in it, thank god Rachel only has two!

Ross: who's to say your marriage will work just because you waited like a decade to propose and even then almost managed to mess that up

Chandler: that wasn't my fault it was the moustache!

Joey: guys come on stop with the arguing, this is stupid

Chandler: all I'm saying is that you need more than love to sustain a marriage, right Ross . . . oh wait you already have been divorced THREE times

Ross: I think lesbianism, forgetting your spouses name and drunkenness are legitimate reasons for divorce

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: hey boys, oh there's some amount of sexual tension in here

Joey: (excited) hey Phoebe!

Phoebe: why so happy Joey?

Chandler: ummmmmm because I'm having a slumber party at my place tonight and Joey is invited . . well we should go set up the sleeping bags and what not

Phoebe: if your bag gets cold Chandler I'll squeeze in with you (the guys leave)

Scene: hallway

Ross: a slumber party? Really Chandler

Chandler: he was clearly about to blurt out everything to her and I had no food to distract him with

Joey: I'm so excited, a Chandler and Joey night! Oh will you let me stay up late because Phoebe's a real ball buster about going to bed on time

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Monica & Chandler are on the couch in sleeping bags

Monica: I still don't understand why he couldn't have stayed in the guest room

Chandler: because Phoebe may come over unannounced and then the jig will be up

Monica: the jig?

Chandler: if I were an Irish gangster there'd be nothing wrong with me using that! (Joey enters)

Joey: I have the bay-watch boxset!

Chandler: I have the popcorn, beer and binoculars to give us extra detail should we need it . . . because the cleavage on show here, well there's a lot to take in

Monica: kill me now!


	21. TOW the wedding invitations

I don't own these characters

TOW the wedding invitations

Scene: coffee house, everyones there

Ross: hey Rach we should really get down to deciding our wedding invitation

Chandler: so how many people are expecting you to feed them at your wedding!

Ross: dude we're still at the designing of the invitation stage, you know borders, fonts, border shading, shadowing

Chandler: how do you avoid all the gay jokes that I have to deal with! (David enters, he puts his hands over Phoebe's eyes)

David: guess who

Phoebe: ahhhhh I've just gone blind, it's happening again!

David: Phoebe it's me

Phoebe: oh hey David

David: bet you're glad to see me and not be blind right

Phoebe: (lying) so glad!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: coffee house, as before

David: so you ready to go to dinner?

Phoebe: just have to go to the bathroom (she leaves)

Joey: so is tonight the big night?

David: no the ring we were looking at would not fit her fingers, in case you haven't noticed they're huge!

Joey: well you know what they say about a girl with big fingers (everyone looks confused)

Chandler: no

Joey: isn't finger size related to boobs?

Monica: no!

Joey: really because then you Monica have very misleading fingers

Monica: misleading in a good or a bad way?

David: definitely a good way

Chandler: until I know you a bit better I'd like you to refrain from commenting about my wife's breasts

Monica: Chandler let the man talk, he was just giving you a compliment . . . go on David

Ross: god Monica you are always on about your chest! David tell us about the proposal

David: oh well the ring will be finished next week so tonight is just about us (Phoebe enters) ready to go?

Phoebe: (lying) yep lets just hope I don't get another blindness attack causing me to cancel because would be so not cool (they leave)

Rachel: what are we going to do?

Joey: I wouldn't worry Rachel I think if we get a measuring tape and measure Mon's fingers and then her boobs (Chandler hits him) what! I thought you said it was only people you didn't know that couldn't talk about Mon's boobs

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Monica, Chandler & Rachel are there & Phoebe enters

Monica: hey how was your date last night?

Phoebe: spectacular

Rachel: oh thank god!

Phoebe: you didn't let me finish . . . -ly bad

Chandler: ly bad?

Phoebe: spectacularLY bad, keep up Bing!

Chandler: hey it is the morning and my brain dosen't work well!

Monica: but certain other organs work REALLY well

Phoebe: oh great I come here already in a bad mood and have to listen to you two discuss your morning sex! Almost but not all problems can be solved by sex

Rachel: what happened on your date?

Phoebe: its not what happened its just him, everything he does annoys me and stuff I used to find endearing is the opposite of endearing . . . its just dearing, Monica you know what I mean

Monica: excuse me?

Phoebe: yeah you once said that Chandler's constant jokes make him really cute and attracted you but you're not going to sit there and lie to me and say that's still the case (she's silent) you Monica Bing have just made it to the TOP of my enemy list! (she storms out)

Chandler: David's going to have a very interesting future with her

Rachel: (to Monica) do you still find the sarcasm cute? (Ross enters)

Ross: look what I have fresh and hot off the copier

Rachel: you were in the copying place?

Ross: uh huh

Rachel: hot copy girl still work there?

Ross: what copy girl (realizes) oh her no of course not and sweetie you don't have to be so jealous because I still maintain that that tiny little fling

Rachel: affair!

Chandler: you have to sleep with someone more than one time to have it constitute an affair

Monica: is that in your own experience Chandler?

Chandler: I wouldn't know because I've never been in the situation where I'm with one woman and another simultaneously wants me but hey a man can dream

Monica: as long as those thoughts stay in your head darling!

Rachel: Ross did you or did you not sleep with the copy girl again?

Ross: no

Rachel: then why go there and bring up all these bad memories for us!

Ross: because their work is the best and my fiance deserves the best (he shows them the invitations)

Rachel: your fiance also deserves her name to spelled correctly!

Chandler: and if I haven't said it already congratulations Ms. Rachel Groan on your impeding nuptials

Scene: coffee house, Monica & Chandler are there & Joey runs in breathless & grabs a cup Chandler was drinking from and downs it

Joey: ahhhh what the hell!

Chandler: its coffee Joe . . . . it's not a cold drink

Monica: why can't you breath properly?

Joey: because I got some news and I had to tell you guys so I ran down here . . . and now I'm feeling light headed, Chandler you going to eat that scone? (before he answers Joey eats the scone)

Chandler: actually I was, you think you could be a pal and regurgitate it?

Monica: Joey what's up?

Joey: I'm still feeling dizzy, Gunther I need four muffins stat!

Monica: Joey!

Joey: what my body is a temple and its not used of being treated this way

Monica: what was so important you had to run all the way down here?

Joey: Gunther muffins now!

Chandler: Joey!

Joey: David called and said the ring's ready so he's decided to propose tonight in central park (Gunther comes with muffins) thank god!

Monica: oh no we have to stop this!

Joey: stop what?

Monica: David proposing to Phoebe!

Joey: David's proposing to Phoebe?

Chandler: this is why Joey shouldn't exercise

Scene: Ross's apartment

Ross: I was just on the phone to the copy place and they're going to redo the invitation

Rachel: no they are going to give us our money back and we're going somewhere where they can read and you didn't screw the staff

Ross: one person is so not the whole staff! (Rachel glares him) but they are illiterate and are not of a high enough standard for my wedding

Rachel: much better

Ross: so how many people are you planning to invite?

Rachel: I haven't really thought that far ahead

Ross: well I have because it may surprise you but paleontologists are very busy people and if I want all my buddies to come I need to book them as soon as possible

Rachel: ugh your inviting all your science friends!

Ross: I will sit them all at the same table in the corner

Rachel: and that's why I will want to marry you! (she hugs him)

Ross: you mean 'that's why I want to marry you' not will

Rachel: right of course . . . my mistake, I just never understood tenses

Scene: central park, Chandler & Monica are there

Chandler: ok eye's peeled for Phoebe and David

Monica: you know if we weren't here trying to stop our friend from ruining her life this would be a very romantic stroll . . . why don't we do this more often

Homeless person: spare change?

Chandler: (scared) ah take everything here's my wallet!

Monica: that's why

Chandler: I was trying to protect you because you're way more valuable to me than anything in my wallet

Monica: yea I did feel protected there when you cowered behind me!

Chandler: that was just to lull him into a false sense of security and then BAM I'd attack

Monica: oh no is that Phoebe? Are we too late?

Chandler: well she's crying

Monica: tears of joy?

Phoebe: screw you David!

Monica: definitely not joy

Chandler: well she's getting rid of him so it could joy

Phoebe: oh Monica, Chandler what are you doing here?

Chandler: just a husband and wife out for a stroll in the park . . . why are you here?

David: I hate you Phoebe Buffay you are dead inside! . . . hey Chandler, Monica you could have mentioned Phoebe not actually being in love with me

Chandler: (scared) I think I mentioned it one time

Phoebe: you knew about this!

David: all of your rotten despicable friends knew, Joey helped me pick out the ring

Phoebe: no my friends wouldn't betray my trust like that

Monica: unless they were trying to protect you

Phoebe: exactly! . . . wait no so you really knew

David: it was their idea!

Phoebe: and you two strolling through the park . . . you wanted front row seats to my humiliation!

Monica: no we waited to stop this, we knew you didn't want this

David: you knew! A little heads up would have been useful!

Phoebe: David the only thing we share now is a hatred for my so called ex-friends

Chandler: actually being so called 'ex-friends' is a good thing

Phoebe: TRAITORS!

Monica: Phoebe please

Phoebe: I am never talking to you again! (she leaves)

David: Phoebe the ring . . . you still have the ring! (he runs after her)

Chandler: this is exactly why we never go for strolls through this place!

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: coffee house, Ross & Rachel enter, Joey's there

Ross: hey Joey would you like to be the first lucky person to receive a wedding invitation?

Joey: who's wedding?

Rachel: ours

Joey: oh thats still going on

Ross: why wouldn't it be?

Joey: I thought Rachel was

Rachel: hey Joey let's get looking at this invitation!


	22. TOW the broken wedding dress

I don't own these characters

TOW the broken wedding dress

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Joey enters, Monica & Chandler are there

Monica: hey is she feeling any better this morning?

Joey: she's asleep, she was up last night for hours placing curses on you guys

Monica: why only us! I mean everyone knew

Joey: she's not mad at me anymore because I stayed up late with her last night consoling her and getting her drunk and she said she never actually liked Ross but yeah there's serious hatred for Rachel but nothing compared to you guys . . . oh and I would hold off on any babymaking plans you guys had because she cursed you guys with a ginger baby

Chandler: NO! Well if that's the case we'll need a lock on my pants

Monica: what about me utilizing self-control?

Chandler: baby when its me you ain't got no 'self-control'

Monica: did she curse me to make Chandler more annoying!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: wedding dress shop, Monica enters & Rachel's there

Rachel: where's Phoebe, I'll need both my bridesmaids for this job

Monica: when I tried to tell her it was time to meet you here she starting throwing things at my head though most of them hit Joey

Rachel: is he ok?

Monica: he was worried he'd lost the ability to do long division, so you have me and you're so lucky because I've been here before I know all about wedding dresses

Rachel: yea but sweetie I don't have to go to a discount store to get mine thanks to daddy's credit card

Monica: it wasn't all bad, Chandler's dad once offered to give me one of his wedding dresses

Rachel: lucky girl!

Monica: so anything catch your eye?

Rachel: not really, maybe we should come back again

Monica: no we're doing this today because I know you're still not 100% happy about this wedding but I also know that when you look in the mirror and see yourself in a dress that you adore all of those fears will go away

Rachel: oh Monica that's so sweet

Monica: and besides if they don't go away you're still Rachel and any excuse to buy an expensive dress you take

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, the guys are there watching die hard

Chandler: the ending of die hard always gets me

Ross: (crying) me too, come here guys (they all hug & Phoebe enters)

Chandler: (scared) hey its my favorite person Phoebe!

Joey: hey what about me!

Ross: or me!

Chandler: or my wife but whatever

Phoebe: speaking of which is it here?

Joey: it?

Phoebe: Monica's actions towards me have caused me demote her to an asexual, genderless being

Chandler: have I been demoted?

Phoebe: were you ever really a guy to begin with!

Ross: she's gone dress shopping with Rachel

Phoebe: why didn't she invite me!

Chandler: she did and you attacked her

Phoebe: I attacked her because I heard her speak, like I'm going to listen to anything that comes out of that troglodytes mouth

Chandler: hey thats my troglodytes mouth you're talking about, Ross what's a troglodyte?

Ross: a hermit-like caveman

Chandler: exactly thats' my hermit caveman you're talking about!

Scene: wedding dress shop, Rachel enters wearing a wedding dress

Rachel: I know I look stunning

Monica: no not that I was just imagining me in that dress, ugh if only my parents were rich! Alright so you're looking in the mirror, what are you thinking?

Rachel: that I should wear satin more often

Monica: and . . .

Rachel: wishing that white could be worn more often because I can so pull it off

Monica: Rachel!

Rachel: that is what I'm thinking

Monica: you're looking at yourself in your wedding dress, images of your wedding to Ross and your future should be flooding into your head!

Rachel: alright concentrate, I can see me in the dress at a church, dancing at the plaza

Monica: excellant

Rachel: but Ross isn't here

Monica: search harder, he has to be there

Rachel: I can't see him, its not easy you try looking in your head

Monica: I keep my head like I keep my house, CLEAN

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, the guys & Phoebe are there

Ross: you know if you think about it we actually helped you

Phoebe: by doing nothing!

Ross: yes because by doing nothing we helped you come to this realization about David all on your own . . . you're very welcome

Phoebe: I already knew I hated him!

Chandler: but don't you think our way was a more memorable method, I mean I don't think you'll be making that mistake any time soon again

Phoebe: I wanted to break up with him and you guys forced me to stay with him

Joey: no wait didn't I force you? (she glares him) you can't hate me I got you drunk last night

Phoebe: I can't be mad at you Joseph because you're so beautiful

Chandler: hey what about those of us who don't have beauty on our side!

Ross: speak for yourself

Chandler: look Phoebe yes we acted wrong but at least your not marrying someone you don't love

Phoebe: I suppose, god that would be horrible to end up in a loveless marriage like yours

Chandler: I love Monica and all I want for you is to experience the same love I feel for someone in this world

Ross: surely part of you is relishing not being in a relationship with someone you don't see a future with

Phoebe: oh yea and I'm also relishing being single FOREVER! (Monica enters)

Monica: oh Phoebe your here, you still mad at me?

Phoebe: YES!

Monica: want me to pretend to listen to you play guitar and like it?

Phoebe: ugh and I thought these guys were bad but you Gellar-Bing take the biscuit

Monica: why me?

Joey: where are the biscuits?

Phoebe: Monica you were my friend, my girlfriend . . . Joey stop fantiscizing, Monica I'm supposed to be able to trust you to help me and stop me from making mistakes and you just let me!

Monica: alright I'm finished being nice to you, I admit we should

Chandler: no we Monica, let her stay mad at you

Monica: Phoebe we all should have told you about David's proposal but if you didn't like him then you should have manned up and told him the truth!

Phoebe: I'm still waiting for an apology!

Monica: I don't apologize, this is your mess just like all your relationships it ended badly

Ross: Monica insulting her is not helping

Monica: Phoebe what are you really mad about?

Phoebe: you I'm mad at you!

Monica: and!

Phoebe: being single again, ruining my last chance at love, stringing a man along for Joey . . . wow that felt good, Monica did you do all that so that in a very convuluted way I would come to this realization

Monica: sure

Phoebe: how could I ever be mad at you (they hug)

Chandler: you know Monica didn't come up with that by herself, we helped too!

Monica: oh so its WE now is it!

Chandler: (points to his wedding ring) its always we

Phoebe: (starts crying) I'll never have that, I hate you all! (she storms out)

Chandler: oh so close to clearing up that mess

Scene: Ross's apartment, Phoebe enters

Phoebe: hello? (Rachel enters from the bedroom, she's wearing a wedding dress) seriously universe you're just going to keep throwing wedding stuff in my face!

Rachel: oh god Phoebe I'm so sorry, I'll change

Phoebe: no its ok . . it pains me to say this but you look amazing

Rachel: well I certainly don't feel it

Phoebe: whoa I get why I wouldn't be happy about marrying Ross, but you shouldn't have a problem

Rachel: Monica told me that when I wear this dress I should be filled with images of my marriage to Ross, this stupid dress must be broken or something!

Phoebe: well your first problem is obvious

Rachel: what is it?

Phoebe: listening to Monica!

Rachel: Phoebe I'm getting married in a few months and it doesn't fill me with joy or excitement, I think I was happier about getting married to Barry . . . until the actual wedding day arrived

Phoebe: marriage just sucks doesn't it!

Rachel: (starts crying) it sure does

Phoebe: what the hell did we do in our past lives to deserve this crap!

Rachel: you are so weird . . . thank you (they hug)

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Monica enters wearing her wedding dress

Chandler: what are you doing?

Monica: I was dress shopping with Rachel and it just made me want to reminisce about our special day

Chandler: and look it still fits and everything

Monica: why wouldn't it! Are you saying I've gotten fat!

Chandler: no no no god no . . . you're still the stunning amazing woman I fell in love with

Monica: nice save (Joey enters)

Joey: dude water ballon fight on the street right now, on guard! (he throws a water ballon & it lands on Monica)

Chandler: RUN JOEY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUN! (they run out & Chandler runs back in) before you completely erupt this doesn't mean divorce does it? (she glares at him) thats probably a no, love ya (he runs out)


	23. TOW Chandler's dad's wedding part 1

I don't own these characters

TOW Chandler's dad's wedding (part 1)

Scene: coffee house, Joey's there & Ross enters

Ross: hey Joe what's going on? Are you reading Time magazine?

Joey: no pretending to, I'm really checking out that new waitress Gunther hired but you really thought I was reading this magazine, wow I must be getting better at this acting thing

Ross: so ask her out

Joey: hey maybe I'm analyzing her

Ross: Joey its you, the only thing you can analyse is her bra size

Joey: I'm thinking C cup

Ross: well then ask her out don't keep staring at her like a pervert, that won't work

Joey: it might . . . if she's into perverts

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: coffee house, from before

Joey: look dude can we talk seriously for a second and I don't mean about volcanos or fossils or your fledgling career as a keybordist

Ross: ok what's up?

Joey: well you and Rachel are getting married in a few months and I was thinking if maybe I married you guys

Ross: I don't think so Joey

Joey: why not, I've married people before and they can give me great references

Ross: the only people you've married is Monica and Chandler

Joey: and they're still together aren't they, case proven that when I marry people they stay together and if you don't mind me saying you and Rachel could use my power of glue

Ross: power of glue?

Joey: yes look Monica and Chandler still stuck together!

Ross: no, now don't take this personally, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with you marrying us

Joey: wouldn't feel comfortable? Ross its not like you'll be wearing heels during the ceremony, unless you want to because I'm open to unusual ceremonies

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Chandler enters

Chandler: hey honey I'm home

Monica: you really like saying that line don't you

Chandler: it's like we're the Jeffersons

Monica: ok well there was a phone call today

Chandler: Richard begging you to take him back?

Monica: nah we had phone sex last night . . . it a call for you, it was your dad

Chandler: what did he want?

Monica: he's getting married to Mr. Garaboldi and he wants you to be there . . . in Las Vegas

Chandler: oh my god, seriously he's marrying my teacher, that is messed up but I guess they have stuff in common

Monica: like what?

Chandler: they've both spanked me

Monica: well the wedding is next weekend and he's bought us two tickets to Vegas to go

Chandler: can we exchange them for their cash worth?

Monica: you sound like Rachel

Chandler: no because she would say (high pitched voice) 'can I return this' (everyone else enters)

Joey: hey what's for dinner?

Monica: sweetie I'm a little busy right now dealing with one petulent child, can't you order pizza?

Joey: I've already had one pizza today but ok I think I can have another

Rachel: what's going on?

Monica: Chandler's dad is getting married and he invited us but Mr. Stubborn here won't go

Chandler: hey I'm not the only one who has parent issues, you hate going to your parents house!

Monica: but my parents criticize me, yours actually love you and say nice things to you

Ross: when's the wedding on?

Chandler: next week, he even stooped so low and bought us first class tickets to fly down there

Monica: have my parents ever bought me anything!

Ross: they considered liposuction once

Monica: and why didn't they do it?

Ross: I needed a new bike . . . but I really needed that bike

Monica: look Chandler forget about going there for your dad's wedding and think of it as an all expense paid holiday, he got us a penthouse suite . . . we can just spend our days naked together in Vegas where's there's like a constant supply of alcohol

Chandler: I do like naked, drunk Monica

Joey: I want to come on a naked trip with Monica!

Phoebe: we should all come to Vegas!

Chandler: wow wait I don't think I want you all there

Rachel: I can totally get out of work, Emma can stay at my mom's

Monica: seriously I think we'd both rather go alone

Ross: I'll say I'm doing a dig in the Nevada desert, my boss will totally buy it

Joey: Vegas has so many all-you-can-eat buffets . . . I'm there!

Monica: (to Chandler) you know the way you sometimes feel invisible (he nods) well I'm there too . . . not as much fun as I thought

Scene: airport, they all enter, the girls are walking together ahead of the guys

Monica: another perfect security check point, I rock, though Phoebe you didn't have to be so weird towards the security person

Phoebe: hey I'm single again and I'm not sure where my next prince charming will rear his head

Rachel: but did you have to ask for a full body cavity search?

Phoebe: I thought he wanted to do a thorough job

Joey: yeah baby!

Chandler: if you say that one more time!

Joey: (quieter) yeah baby

Monica: ok well we'll see you losers later because we get to go to the first class lounge, we're talking champagne and massages and anything else we want

Chandler: strippers?

Monica: maybe, oh and Chipindales

Chandler: no only I get strippers (they leave)

Ross: (shouts) we don't need strippers because we have a Starbucks here!

Rachel: speak louder Ross, I don't think all the gay people heard you!

Scene: airport, Ross & Joey are talking

Joey: Ross do you take this coffee?

Ross: I do

Joey: see I could totally marry you guys

Ross: lets not do this again

Joey: you haven't given me a good reason, even Chandler had a good reason not to want me to do considering Monica wanted me first

Ross: ok fine, I don't want you to marry us because of your past feelings for Rachel

Joey: but those are in the past . . . and now we're here in the present

Ross: thanks for the lesson Joe, and besides I mightn't need you to marry us

Joey: that sounds suspicious, do I want to know more?

Ross: I think so, I realized that we're going to be in Vegas where you can get married very easily and quickly

Joey: so?

Ross: well I think a repeat of what happened between Rachel and I when we were in Vegas a few years ago could occur

Joey: I don't follow

Ross: I'm going to elope . . . marry Rachel in Vegas! But don't say anything, it's a secret

Joey: I have to tell someone (he runs away)

Scene: hotel lobby, Monica & Chandler enters

Rachel: there you guys are, we were looking for you at the airport

Chandler: first class people get let off the plane first

Phoebe: then why didn't you beat us here

Monica: because two people who get themselves locked in an airplane bathroom may not get off the plane first

Ross: why were you both in the bathroom . . . you know what I don't want to know (he walks away)

Monica: it was the champagne, I swear if you asked them to inject it into you they would have

Chandler: and first class bathrooms actually make airplane sex a relatively comfortable experience

Monica: even considering the turbulence

Chandler: Joey that was a very good sexual enuendo right there and you didn't say 'yeah baby', are you ok?

Joey: I know something

Rachel: something juicy

Joey: oh yeah

Monica: who's it about, are they standing here?

Joey: maybe

Chandler: this is going to take forever, Joey is it Monica, me, Rachel or Phoebe!

Joey: its Rachel!

Rachel: you know a secret about me

Phoebe: I bet this is what highschool's like

Joey: Ross wants to marry you here in Vegas

Rachel: what!

Monica: what about the plaza and the dress and invitations and the center pieces, what about the center pieces!

Joey: he still wants to do that but get married here first

Chandler: Rach you ok, you've gone all pale

Phoebe: no it's Ms. Gellar who's gone pale (Rachel starts hyperventilating)

Joey: oh god why do people tell me their secrets! (Ross comes back)

Ross: oh my god what's wrong sweetie?

Monica: its the flowers in here, she's allergic

Ross: but they're roses, she can't be allergic we're suppose to order them for the wedding (Rachel starts getting worse)

Monica: ok so we're going to take her up to our flower free bedroom

Ross: no not your bedroom! Chandler told me he rang ahead and got them to put rose petals all over your bed

Monica: oh Chandler that's so amazing and (Rachel's still hyperventilating & starts hitting Monica) or maybe Phoebe's room

Phoebe: why my room, because I have no partner there can't be any rose petals on my bed!

Joey: my bedroom's fine, there's only some food I pre-ordered, you're not allergic to turkey are you?

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: all-you-can-eat buffet, Joey & Phoebe are there, their table is covered with plates

Joey: wow this place is amazing

Phoebe: you have quite a gift Joey, your stomach is like an elastic band

Joey: I'm getting chest pains

Phoebe: oh my god is that Pete, Monica's ex, in the casino there?

Joey: the pains getting worse!

Phoebe: I should go seduce him, he's really rich now thats the kind of man I need, a billionaire

Joey: I think he's only a millionaire

Phoebe: ugh stupid recession, fine millionaire will have to do

Joey: Phoebe my chest!

Waiter: sir were you waiting on the 'meat buster pizza'?

Joey: pains gone, pizza now!


	24. TOW Chandler's dad's wedding part 2

I don't own these characters

TOW Chandler's dad's wedding (part 2) . . . continued from part 1

Scene: Monica & Chandler's hotel room, Monica enters with Rachel

Monica: oh my god rose petals on the bed!

Rachel: hello lady still freaking out over here

Monica: sorry but seriously Rachel is my husband amazing or what!

Rachel: I don't care because in a few hours I'll have a new husband

Monica: he can't force you down the aisle

Rachel: he did it before in Vegas didn't he! (she jumps on the bed & lies down throwing rose petals everywhere)

Monica: oh god Rachel the mess (Rachel glares her) fine I can worry about that later

Rachel: oh and by the way, a flower allergy!

Monica: well would you rather I explained you little freakout downstairs as a 'I don't want to get married' allergy

Rachel: wouldn't a shellfish allergy have seemed more believable

Monica: oh sorry I must not have seen the abundance of shellfish in a five star hotel lobby!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: as before, Chandler enters

Chandler: (seductive) hey beautiful (sees Rachel) oh you're here, wonderful

Rachel: yes and I'm never leaving because if I go back to my room I have to get married

Chandler: while I feel for you Rach do you not see the rose petals I ordered to be placed on the bed

Monica: she knocked most of them on the ground, the mess is everywhere!

Chandler: it doesn't matter where the stupid petals are I'm supposed to be having sex right now

Rachel: so what's stopping you?

Chandler: YOU!

Rachel: oh I'm so sorry I'm getting in the way of the little perfect married couple, I'll just leave shall I

Chandler: thank you! (she just sits there) hm Rach the door is over there, you have to use those two stumps attached to your toes to walk there!

Scene: Ross & Rachel's hotel room, Ross's there & someone knocks the door

Ross: hey Chandler, Rachel whats going on (Chandler shoves Rachel in there)

Chandler: control your woman! (he walks away)

Ross: whats his problem?

Rachel: I was just enjoying some girl time with your sister and he was all 'no she's my wife I want her now', ugh he is just a sex addict!

Ross: while I endlessly enjoy talking about my little sister and best friend's sex life I think we have more important things to discuss

Rachel: or we could go find Phoebe and Joey, that would kill a couple of hours wouldn't it

Ross: are you avoiding me?

Rachel: is it that obvious

Ross: what's really going on? You've been acting strange for ages, are you anxious about the wedding

Rachel: maybe

Ross: wells that's great because I am too

Rachel: you are, oh Ross I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel

Ross: and I know how to remedy our anxiousness . . . lets go downstairs

Rachel: (excited) yea!

Ross: and

Rachel: (excited) and!

Ross: get married!

Rachel: oh god

Ross: I know my sentiments exactly

Rachel: I can't do this

Ross: what?

Rachel: I can't get married to you

Ross: no you obviously don't understand, I still want to do the plaza and all the ceremonial stuff and I want our families there but more than that I want to call you my wife, I want to be able to do that now

Rachel: well what if I don't want that

Ross: no you'll still get to wear the expensive white dress

Rachel: Ross you're not listening, I don't want this

Ross: maybe if I draw you a diagram of the my plan you'll understand that this way we can have it both ways, be husband and wife as soon as possible and still do the fancy wedding stuff because believe me I want the fancy wedding too

Rachel: I DON'T WANT TO MARRY YOU EVER

Ross: do you have a pen and a piece of paper and I'll draw my idea, it might be easier for you to get

Rachel: listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth, I don't want to marry you and I don't think I have even since you proposed

Ross: of course you do because why would you have said yes

Rachel: because it was the polite thing to do at the time

Ross: well then lets continue being polite and marry me tonight in Vegas

Rachel: I'm not that polite

Ross: I think you underestimate yourself

Rachel: do you hear what I'm saying?

Ross: of course I hear it but I don't believe it

Rachel: well do because I mean it

Ross: no you don't, we're Ross & Rachel, we're supposed to be together, we have Emma

Rachel: exactly and its because of her I tried to make this work but its just not

Ross: (sad) but we're Ross and Rachel

Rachel: I wish I told you this sooner

Ross: do you even love me?

Rachel: I'm not sure

Ross: well thats a better response then 'I definitely don't love you'

Rachel: but you can't base a marriage on it

Ross: I'm willing to, I'll even base my fourth marriage on it!

Rachel: I'm not (she leaves)

Scene: all-you-can-eat buffet, Phoebe & Joey are there & Rachel enters

Phoebe: hey Rach don't you just love Vegas!

Rachel: no! And it doesn't look like Joey does either, he looks like he's in pain

Phoebe: he's at an all-you-can-eat buffet, of course he's in pain

Joey: the pain is worth it

Phoebe: Rach look who's over there!

Rachel: who?

Phoebe: Pete, Monica's ex the billion-millionaire

Rachel: the person in the kilt?

Phoebe: uh huh

Rachel: I think that's a woman

Phoebe: well if she's a millionaire I'd be willing to try seducing her to get rich

Rachel: guys I think Ross and me are finished

Joey: what are you talking about

Rachel: I finally told him the truth, I told him I didn't want to marry him

Phoebe: how'd he take it?

Rachel: bad, he took his favorite stuffed animal dinosaur and climbed into bed

Joey: god the last time he did that was when he found out they weren't making a 3d jarassic park

Rachel: so I'm kind of homeless, can I crash with one of you guys tonight?

Phoebe: we got a room together

Rachel: are you and Joey!

Phoebe: no two single beds

Joey: hey stuff can still happen on a single bed!

Scene: Monica & Chandler's room, Chandler enters

Chandler: I just got a very distressed call from the Elvis impersonator who's supposed to be marrying my dad and he said my dad called him last night and told him to call off the wedding

Monica: what are you talking about?

Chandler: he told him he didn't think he could settle down and didn't want to stamp over the sanctity of a marriage

Monica: he's getting married in Vegas by Elvis, where's the sanctity in that!

Chandler: Mon don't you get it, he's doing a runner on his wedding day, he's doing a Chandler!

Monica: doing a Chandler?

Chandler: having a commitment freak-out

Monica: we have to fix this

Chandler: we do? Couldn't we just continue on from last night

Monica: I don't think watching more of Chicago is going to solve this, he's your dad and he deserves some happiness, we have to find him and get him to Elvis! Where did you go on our wedding day?

Chandler: my office

Monica: well come on then lets try there first

Scene: gay strip club, Chandler & Monica enter

Monica: so this is your dad's office, I see him there at the bar, right I'll stay here and you go talk to him

Chandler: why do I have to go alone!

Monica: because he's your dad and that bar looks really grubby, I'm more comfortable here

Chandler: alright but if I need you I'll use a secret code, I'll hit my head repeatedly

Monica: or you could just say 'Monica'

Chandler: I think my way sounds more fun (he goes to his dad) hey dad, isn't there a place your supposed to be at soon and a balding middle aged elementary school teacher you're supposed to marry

Charles: I just don't think I can, we're Bings son, settling down isn't in our genes

Chandler: I settled down with Monica

Charles: wait till you get a pool boy, those beautiful scoundrels change everything

Chandler: dad I've seen you with this guy and you seem genuinely happy and in love

Charles: but in my profession monogamy is difficult to uphold

Chandler: monogamy's difficult for everyone to uphold but I know that I could never have an affair because I would jeopardize everything I have with Monica and that's what you need to base you marriage on, the willingness not to piss your spouse off

Charles: how the hell did your mother and I manage to raise such a normal person

Chandler: don't worry I have enough self-esteem and confidence issues that I'm no where near normal

Charles: but Monica puts up with all that

Chandler: well she has a lot of weird things that I have to put up with, and I know you want to do that with your guy

Charles: I do . . . alright I'll marry him and hell if it doesn't work out thats what divorce is for! And listen I was wondering if you and Monica would walk me down the aisle

Chandler: oh thats a little messed up isn't it!

Charles: your my son and the two of you are the closest thing I have to a family

Chandler: aw dad, alright we'll do it . . . I don't have to wear a dress or anything do I (they hug)

Scene: wedding chapel, Rachel, Ross, Phoebe & Joey are all sitting together

Joey: (to Phoebe) this is so awkward

Phoebe: are you homophobic?

Joey: not that but yea a little, guys keep trying to feel me up . . . no about Ross and Rachel

Phoebe: at least they're sitting beside each other

Ross: (to Rachel) are you getting the urge to ruin another wedding right now

Rachel: are you going to be this annoying from now on

Ross: are you going to marry me?

Rachel: no

Ross: then yes I am!

Scene: outside the chapel, Chandler & his dad are getting ready, Monica enters

Monica: ok Mr. Bing I've got your something blue

Chandler: a blue condom wrapper!

Monica: its all I could find at short notice and its the extra-safe kind, your welcome, as for borrowed I thought you could wear this bracelet of mine, I haven't figured out something old and new though

Charles: I have, my old son and my new daughter!

Chandler: as touching as that is could you please put the condom away while your holding my hand

Charles: you two ready?

Monica: we were born ready sir . . . mam (to Chandler) I really have to stick to a gender when it comes to talking to your dad! (they walk up the aisle to the YMCA song & the wedding happens)

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: gay strip club

Chandler: it really was a great wedding

Joey: no you lied, you said the after party was happening at a strip club

Chandler: ok so I neglected to say it was an all-male strip club but hey earlier you were having loads of fun dancing with that Liza Minelli dance troupe

Joey: that was a lot of fun

Chandler: and I have the pictures to prove just how much you liked it

Joey: there's nothing wrong with dancing with a man and Stephan kept his hands where I could see them the whole time

alright thats it, my alternative season nine, not sure if I'll continue it to season, reviews would be helpful in me coming to that decision ;) thanks for all the reviews btw


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